Archive for June, 2007
June 28, 2007 at 8:46 pm · Filed under heart
Mother, you had me but I never had you,
I wanted you but you didn’t want me,
So I got to tell you,
Goodbye, goodbye.
Farther, you left me but I never left you,
I needed you but you didn’t need me,
So I got to tell you,
Goodbye, goodbye.
Children, don’t do what I have done,
I couldn’t walk and I tried to run,
So I got to tell you,
Goodbye, goodbye.
Mama don’t go,
Daddy come home.
(John Lennon)
There is significance in this.
P.S. What a cute little blog (joshsankey.bs.com) I’ve stumbled across. She does really awesome reviews on her entries that are well thought out and significant. I love her title too. ;P I think it’s because I’m just as corny right now with the wedding being so close. Hehe.
June 28, 2007 at 7:56 am · Filed under daily
I know, I know, Mike, I still need to do that darn imaginary interview post you tagged me on ages ago. I’ll do it this weekend when I have more time on my hands. 
Or maybe Friday. I haven’t forgotten, I promise!
So yesterday was a really loooooonnnggg day. I didn’t even get into the office except to pick up a couple of files for court. I spent 6 hours in court for two of my cases, and then I had to 2 more cases. By the time I got home, it was already 6pm (I had left the house yesterday morning at 8am). I flew out with Gran almost instantly to go to my last wedding dress fitting, got it perfected, and took the dress home (*SQUEEE!!!!!*). I took Gran out for dinner, and by the time I came home, it was already 9:30pm. Got into bed, managed to read up on my emails and read a few pages in my book, and before I knew it, it was 6am and Dave was getting dressed for work.
Dang. What happened to Wednesday? That was weird.
Today I have a semi-busy day also, but not as busy as yesterday. Hopefully I get to have a prolonged lunch today. I find that I get grumpy when I don’t get to have a sit-down, relaxed lunch. I’m spoiled that way, I suppose.
Okay time to shower and get ready for work. Have a good day, y’all!
June 24, 2007 at 9:21 am · Filed under daily
I love Gran. She is so wonderful. Yesterday, she and I went to Chapters (Canada’s big bookstore here) to spend our respective gift certificates. She’s like the stereotypical lovely little granny everyone hears or reads about or sees on tv: small, wonderful, gentle, calls everyone “dear.” You know the type. You can’t help but love her. On top of that, she loves me, and it’s so wonderful to be close to my fiance’s grandmother.
Anyway, she also has this remarkable sense of humor. Sometimes the things that come out of her mouth is so surprising you don’t have a response. You just laugh your ass off at what she says, instead. Like yesterday, on the car ride to the bookstore, we got into a conversation about nudists in public swimming pools. Don’t ask. 
Gran: I don’t see why I have to look at old naked pot bellies when I’m out swimming!
Me: Oh, Gran! *laughs*
Gran: You see, dear, when a person gets married (*turns to me and gives a sweet smile*), they age with their husband or their wife and they get used to the “changes,” so to speak. Over the years, they get used to the wrinkles and the new sags…
Me: *laughs some more*
Gran: … I’m okay with seeing my husband nude, but I’ll be damned if I have to put up with old naked bodies at the swimming pool. When I go out and swim, I don’t want to be looking at gross sagging skins. Most people who want to be nude aren’t very attractive, dear! I don’t want no loose skin slapping me while I swim, either!
Me: Oh, Gran!! HHAHAHahhaaa…
Gran: Well, isn’t it true, dear?
It was classic. I love that woman. She says the craziest things sometimes. You just don’t expect some of those words to come out of an 87-year-old woman!
June 21, 2007 at 7:43 am · Filed under thoughts
Over the weekend, I watched “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” for the first time. I’ve had a few friends tell me over the past few years to watch this movie because I would be able to relate to it. I always thought they were foolish to think so, because after all, I’m not Greek! I decided to finally go ahead and try it out this weekend, since I was bored and stuff. Lo and behold, I quickly realized what my friends were talking about. This movie is simply my life movie.
If you replace the little details in the movie, like from “Greek” to “Vietnamese,” and the little customs and traditions Tula’s family has to the little traditions my family has, and switch the roles of Tula’s parents around to get my parents, you’ll see my family and my marriage to Dave as an exact mirror to My Big Fat Greek Wedding. However, these types of movies have a way of twisting something that can be lifetime devastating into something that’s comical and endearing. The movie has a happy ending, where Tula and her new non-Greek husband move in next door, and they live happily ever after, and her family learns to accept everything non-Greek and all that lovable wonderful stuff. I’m not sure my parents would ever be that accepting of me.
I remember the line Tula’s dad said, “I just want her to be happy.” It’s the exact same line my dad gave Dave. I don’t really understand when parents do everything they can to screw up their children’s lives and then give the reasoning, “I just want her to be happy.” Are we talking about “forms” of happiness, or are we talking about true happiness no matter what its form?
There was another line that really touched me, when Tula’s mother said to her, “The men may be the head of the house but the women are the neck and they can turn the head any way they want.” There is power in the female sacred.
I ended up laughing, and crying, and gasping with disbelief while I was watching the movie. I can’t believe my life can be summed up so perfectly and precisely in a 2-hour movie.
June 20, 2007 at 9:37 am · Filed under daily
A few things have come to light. Let me try and remember them all so I can blog them here. I just had a brain fart, so er…
1. We found George!!! Richard, our old neighbor who lives two houses from George, saw his brother-in-law enter the home and he tackled him for information. Turns out George was moved to another hospital because he needed to have brain surgery due to liquid in his brain. I called and talked with him yesterday, and he was very confused. He said he was in Arizona (which he’s not, but he and Marian used to go sometimes when she was still alive), and that he just called me to say he loves me (I called him heh). He was happy to hear from me, and asked how school was going (I’ve been out of school for three years now). My dad told me that when he talked to him, George told him that Marian died just last week (Marian has been gone for several years now). It’s pretty common for patients to be confused after brain surgery. After all, it *is* brain surgery. O.o Still, though, it was so scary for me and just hearing his voice set me into tears because I was preparing myself to hear the worst news — that he passed. Hearing his voice was just so overwhelming for me. And hearing him so confused, gasping for words and gasping for air while he spoke with me. He’s not the same George I met so long ago, but he still is my George.
2. I forgot the other stuff I wanted to say. I’ll blog more later. George got me all teary-eyed again.
June 18, 2007 at 7:56 am · Filed under daily
Yesterday I got my first payment for PayPerPost. $30.01. Hehe. That means that exactly 30 days ago, I made $30.01. Today I will be getting more payment from 30 days ago. In a month’s time, I will have been paid approximately $610. It’s very exciting to be receiving constant money into my paypal. Really cool. All of this money will go towards the wedding. It’s like having a part-time job without really doing anything more than what I’ve already been doing: writing on my blogs. Really neat concept, eh?
Anywhoobers, this Wednesday is my final fitting for the wedding dress. The Sunday coming up is my bridal shower. The following Friday or so is my bachelorette party. The countdown begins! Approximately 5 weeks from now, I will be MARRIED. I will be Mrs. Edwards. 
June 15, 2007 at 9:51 pm · Filed under daily
Today while I was watching “Breaking and Entering,” Dave said, “It’s got Jude Law in it. I’m not watching it.” So then the conversation continued to this:
Me: Jude Law’s hot. I got a wee little crush on him.
Dave: What? Whaattt?
Me: Yeah, he’s hot!
Dave: …
5 minutes later:
Dave: I heard Jude Law beats his wife.
Me: I don’t think he’s got a wife.
Dave: He used to beat his wife. Now he beats his girlfriend.
Me: Wha? Are you serious? Where’d you read that?
Dave: Oh it’s been all over the news.
Me: You’re totally lying!
Dave: And he beats puppies, too.
Me:
Dave: And he eats babies. For dinner.
Me: Are you jealous of Jude Law?
Dave: Why would I be jealous of someone who eats babies and beats puppies?
Me: You’re jealous of a movie star!!
Dave: I am not! He beats his girlfriend!!!!
Me: You’re so cute when you’re jealous.
Dave: *huff*
June 13, 2007 at 7:14 am · Filed under heart
I have a surrogate grandfather. Both of my biological grandfathers have passed away. I never got to know my maternal grandfather because he died in Vietnam when I was a child. I hear stories of him a lot, and it makes me sad that I don’t have any memories of him. My paternal grandfather passed away a few years ago, and I was pretty close with him. I still remember the way he smells, and I still dream about visiting his home. In fact, two nights ago I dreamt I was there, again, just as I was while I was in college, visiting him during the weekends while he made food for me to take home.
I miss him. I miss them both.
I have a surrogate grandfather. His name is George. He was our neighbor while I was growing up in Southern California. He and my surrogate grandmother (Marian, who passed away about 5 or 6 years ago) lived across the street from us. Over the years, we knew them well. We became very close with them. They babysat us after school when our parents weren’t home. We had Christmases with them, and birthday parties with them, and we confided in them. I’ve known them since I was 9 years old. After we moved away, we didn’t cease to stop seeing them. We made phone calls and we visited them. Well into my college years, I spent weekends at George’s and Marian’s. They kept an air mattress for me and I camped out in their living room. George made me ham and sometimes even did my laundry. I kept my stuffed duck with them to keep them company.
And then after college, I moved north, to be with Dave. Marian died soon after that. I went to her funeral with my father. I cried.
Now, George has cancer. It ravages his body and it eats his soul. I talk to him as much as I can, and I can hear him getting weaker, more tired. In my memory, he is strong, with some gray hairs, but he walks and talks and moves quickly. He lifts heavy things for me, like suitcases and bookshelves. He helps me read over important college documents that I couldn’t decipher. In my memory, he is strong, and he doesn’t have cancer.
I haven’t heard from him in two weeks. He told me that he was doing his best to stay alive so he could attend our wedding. He has yet to meet Dave. The last time we talked, we talked about getting him his passport, and an airplane ticket. I wanted to speak with his doctor. I told him, “George, I gotta go to my next appointment. I’ll call you tonight, okay?” I told him I love him, and he said he loves me back, and then we hung up.
I didn’t get a chance to call him that night like I had promised. I called him two days after because things got busy at work. I left a message at his home. A week later I called and left a message on his cell phone. He has been staying at the hospital because he was too weak to stay at his house. Yesterday, I called the hospital he was staying at, and they told me there was no one registered there as a patient under his name.
I called twice, and they told me the same thing twice.
My dad and I began to track him down. We tracked down our other ex-neighbors, two houses down from George’s. I talked to him. He has hard of hearing now. In my memory, Richard is also vibrant, quick-witted, and strong. Now he has hard of hearing, and he speaks in gaps. The world changes even when my mind refuses to follow. Richard said he is also worried about George, and that he hasn’t come home in two weeks.
I spoke with another ex-neighbor. She wasn’t responsive to me, and said she doesn’t know where George is.
I don’t know where my George is. I don’t know where he is. I am frightened that he is gone, as I have been in severe denial that he may not be here much longer. I am beating myself up for not having more contacts of his, so that I can check up on him. I don’t know what to do. My dad hasn’t heard from him in weeks either. We’re afraid he’s passed away and no one knows how to reach us to let us know. My heart aches for the strong George who still lives in my memories.
June 10, 2007 at 12:29 pm · Filed under heart
I don’t owe anyone anything. I deserve my own version of happiness. I don’t do harm to others, and I cannot do harm to myself. I refuse to. However, I don’t deserve to be given “conditions” for love, for happiness, for a fulfilled life. I don’t deserve to be given ultimatums at the request of parental love. I don’t deserve that. I don’t owe anyone anything. I owe myself happiness.
I think I’m a pretty good person. You can disagree if you want. Life is hard enough when you’re trying to find yourself, but when you’re trying to please and appease everyone else too, it’s even harder.
Today is a new day. I’m mourning the loss of something old, something scary, something hurtful. That hole is big, but today is a new day. I have been given an ultimatum, and that ultimatum showed me the true light of this type of love.
I’m choosing to disown them first before they disown me. No longer will they have the control to make me cry, to make me fear, to make me feel less than who I am, to make me feel undeserving of happiness and love, to make me feel guilt and shame for being who I am. I never asked to be born. But once I was, I only wanted to feel safe. It’s time to find my own safety.
I want to feel safe. I’ve been searching for their arms, and now I finally realize that their arms are conditional. They don’t love me unless I do what they tell me to do. That is slavery, ownership, not love.
I will find safety in true love.
June 7, 2007 at 10:08 pm · Filed under daily
So here I am again, in Seattle/Renton, on the second half of the PCIT training. Today went well. I reached Mastery for the parenting part of child-directed interaction. That means I was able to do 10 labeled praises, 10 reflections, 10 behavioral descriptions, and no more than 3 questions, corrections, or criticisms — all within 5 minutes of being the “parent” in the parent-child Special Play Time. I don’t know if any of that made any sense, but it does to me, and I suppose that’s all that really matters. Hehe.
Traffic was horrible again this morning. I left at 5:30am from home to make my 3.5-hour trek to Seattle. And I was still half an hour late to the training. When you’re in traffic, you can’t do much but listen to music and be bored, and get all impatient and pissy. I was in a frenzy when I flew into the training room. All frazzled-like, like a crazy lady. I hate being late, especially to these types of “formal” things. Trainings don’t wait for people, y’know. You miss out, you miss out. They’re not like clients where you can just “reschedule” or show up late with a phone call. I hate making people wait. It’s just not nice. Makes me feel bad.
Okay so it’s almost bedtime now. Sleeping in a hotel room without Dave next to me, in a strange bed, is awfully… awful. At least it’s just one night, and work got me a really nice room. So it’s good. Plus, there’s wireless internet, and I get to use my nifty laptop. Home away from home!
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