I am so frustrated right now. I think it’s because I’m just overworked and under-rested, if that makes sense. I’m not getting enough sleep at night, and I had to wake up extra early today to see a client after only sleeping for about 4 or 5 hours soundly. It makes for a very grumpy Helen. And I’m still doing paperwork because both audits are tomorrow and Friday. So much stress. I’m still behind three cases and there’s no way I can get them all done by tomorrow morning 9am. I just won’t do it. I won’t stay up all night doing it. I’m as caught up as I can be right now and that’s all I’m going to do. Seriously. I’m darn tired.

I have left over pizza because I don’t want to cook. Left over pizza is good, I suppose, especially when I’m lazy, frustrated, and tired. On top of that, I’m frustrated at certain people, who will remain unnamed. Boy, I’ve got the case of pregnancy grumpiness. Tink also just knocked off my box of pizza slices, and I told her to fuck off and pushed her off. Damn cat. She yelled back at me too. Then she kept hopping onto the table to get another perspective of the pizza and I keep pushing her off. Dang. So frustrating.

The good news is, though, that I got a call from my doctor’s office and she said the ultrasound for Baby Bean went fine. Bean is growing appropriately and normally, so it’s all good. That’s good to hear.

I guess we all just need to have a grumpy day. I’m entitled to one. I’ve been good for a long time now.

Well, this was a productive weekend in general. It’s only Sunday morning and I feel like I’ve gotten a lot done. The whole house is pretty much spotless, give or take some cluttered areas here and there. Laundry is completely caught up, the house is vacuumed (though I shouldn’t claim responsibility for that since the robo vac does so well in that regard), the kitchen is clean, both bathrooms are clean. And I even did a couple of exit summaries yesterday. I’m going to try to do some more today to get more caught up for work. I never seem to catch up. The more I do, the more I feel like I’m behind. So weird. What a paradox.

I got Bean’s site up, as well as Blathersnort. Just one more to do and then help my sister’s site, and we should be back in the game. unfortunately, I lost all of my art portfolio online, but I don’t think I was doing anything with it anyway, so it’s not a complete loss. I just told my server guys to clear everything out for me so I can start from scratch. I’m tired of waiting around for someone else to find the time to help me. The downside of doing it myself is that I have to start from scratch, but the upside is that at least I’m not depending on someone else. I lost all my data, which really sucks, but the only one I was really concerned with was Bean’s site, so it’s all good. (Entering data manually is equivalent to having my nose hairs plucked out one by one while I study used cisco textbooks.)

At least we have a family social gathering to look forward to tonight. That should be fun.

Chores are horrible, though when they’re done, you get this wonderful sense of satisfaction, like you just won a big war. A big war against germs. I cleaned all the bathrooms today, even the en suite faucet area. I’ve been dreading doing that, though I don’t know why. The toilets are the worst, but I also cleaned those too. I’m a good housewife. Heh.

I’ve been feeling emotionally under the weather lately. I think it has a lot to do with pregnancy hormones getting to my brain. Or something. I’m ultra sensitive, and I don’t being ultra sensitive. I want a big, giant hug, without having my belly squished. I think I’m just thinking too much. Sleeping has been easier lately, but for whatever reason, I feel kind of lonely. Bean has helped with that, since whenever I start feeling down, she kicks to remind me she’s just right there. I’m so proud to be her Mommy. She reminds me not to be lonely. We’re literally connected.

Today was quite busy. As I mentioned last weekend, we have a couple of big audits coming up this week, and we’ve all been running around like headless chickens at work. I’ve had to take work home with me for several weekends now, and it’s not so uncommon anymore. It’s okay now, since I have some energy to use, but I’m guessing if I don’t catch up on paperwork soon, the third trimester is going to make it increasingly harder for me to want to do any type of work other than relax and sleep. I’m getting sleepier at an earlier time these days, and I have a feeling I better do everything I can before I won’t want to later.

I’m going to try to limit my tv time too. It’s too easy turning the tv on when I’m working on paperwork, to drown out the boredom of the type of work I’m doing. The pressure is mounting a lot. It’s so stressful. I’m glad I’ll be taking a few months off of work in order to just be with Dave and Baby Bean. Maybe then I won’t need such silly real estate shows about Blanco sinks and such to keep my monkey brain busy.

Tomorrow we have family dinner night, to celebrate Sylv’s birthday. Yay. I haven’t seen the in-laws in a while and I miss them something terrible.

Now for a bit of fun. I was tagged by Liz and I kinda like the meme. Heh. Here we go.

1. Go to www.photobucket.com (don’t sign in)
2. Type in your answer to the question in the “search” box
3. Use only the first page
4. Copy the html and paste for the answer.

1. What is your first name?

2. What is your relationship status?

3. What is your favorite color?

4. Who is your celebrity crush?

5. What band are you listening to right now?

6. What is your favorite movie?

7. What is your favorite Disney Princess?

8. Name your favorite alcoholic beverage.

9. Where is your dream vacation?

10. What is your favorite dessert?

11. What do you want to do when you grow up?

12. What do you love most in life?

That was kinda cool. I tag Ciana, Teesa, and Ronni!

Yesterday I went in for my regular prenatal visit with Dr. Hall. Everything was normal, but Doc wanted me to go in for another ultrasound because my uterus is measuring a little smaller for 28 weeks. She said it’s most likely because I’m so small, and therefore will have a smaller baby anyway. Plus, Bean’s a girl, so she’ll probably take after her mother with the smaller bone structure. To be safe, though, I have an ultrasound appointment on Monday. Will give me a chance to see Bean again! I just love going to ultrasounds. It’s like taking a peak into her world. She must not have a lot of space in there anymore. Heh.

I also did a bunch of blood work. I really hate getting needle poked, but I was a big girl and took it like a champ. Or so they said. Heh. I was tested for gestational diabetes and my hormone level and my thyroiditis issue. The thyroids seem to have gone back to normal, and everything else was fine as well. I don’t have gestational diabetes. As expected. Heh.

Last night, I had the roughest time sleeping. I didn’t actually get to physical sleep until 3am. I tried going into the living room to read and hope that it would make me sleepier. I drifted on and off and eventually climbed back into bed at 3am. I cancelled my morning appointment because I was too damn tired to move. So now I’m just staying home and resting for a bit. I had a couple of dizzy spells last night when I got home from work. Doc said it was probably due to the hormone changes during the 3rd trimester. I just gotta lay around a whole lot.

28 weeks seem kinda hard. O.o Heh. I feel better today but I still feel very exhausted.

The one wonderful thing, though, about not being able to sleep last night was around 2am, I felt these rhythmic little twitches inside my uterus. My tummy started hiccuping. Heh. Bean was having hiccups! It was the cutest thing ever! I felt it for a good few minutes. It seemed to be annoying her too, as she tried shifting back and forth to get comfortable. After about 5 minutes, the hiccups stopped and she went to sleep. My poor baby. I can’t wait to hold her!

Well, the weekend has come and gone. It seems so fast. I really want my 3-day weekends back. I don’t have formal “appointments” tomorrow and this week is a little more relaxed than most weeks because I want to dedicate more time to finishing up paperwork. We have a couple of audits coming up at the end of the month at work, and I really have to make my files pretty and in tip top condition. I spent half of Saturday cleaning house, doing about 6 loads of laundry (I washed all of our bed sheets and blankets too, on top of two loads of colors and whites), dusting, and cleaning up the kitchen. The rest of Saturday was spent doing my time sheet that is due tomorrow (once a month — what tedious business this is, and it’s really just monkey labor; ugh). Then today I spent the whole day writing up assessments and exit summaries for closed cases. And yet, I’m still behind. This sucks. I want two more days to recover from my “weekend” of not working. Yeah. With this type of “not working,” I rather be browsing fiber cables in our gaming system or something. That sounds like a lot more fun.

My goal is to have all of my paperwork done by the end of the month. I’m so behind it’s not even funny. I want to close most of my cases up soon and then just dedicate the rest of my time before I go on maternity leave to work on paperwork. That sounds good to me! First, though, we must get through this icky period of audits.

Dave and I were talking today about how we’ve gone through so many changes in the last 2 years. First we got engaged, then we got married, and this year we’re having a baby. A baby! Imagine all these changes. I’ve truly become domesticated. It’s rather amusing, though expected, and I’m not surprised at finding myself easily adjusted to the homebody lifestyle, being a wife, a mother, a worker bee of the working poor. While all this may seem scary to other people my age, I find it comforting to have such a predictable lifestyle, able to get what I expect: a loving husband in a loving home with a loving surrounding of family and friends. I can’t stress enough how easy it has become to be happy. This is why they call it “the easy life.” When you find happiness, it simply just “is.” It becomes daily routine to be happy. I like it.

I joke around with my friends these days about how “excitement” is defined in such a different way in my life now. For example, I get all excited when our windows and stairs are washed and cleaned. I am forever ecstatic when laundry is done and our sheets and blankets are washed (I just loooove the feeling of going to bed to clean, fresh sheets and blankets). I get a great kick of adrenaline through my blood system shopping for our next foam mattress. Getting a good night’s sleep is simply the next stage of bliss for me. Like I said, it becomes “easy” when you’re happy. Every little thing, every simple little thing, is a blessing.

I think, though, I’ve always been a little “different” from other folks my age. I’ve always enjoyed the quieter lifestyle. In college, while all my colleagues and even my roomate wanted to go out and have fun, dressing up in tight low-cleavage clothing and clubbing it out, I found true solace cuddled up in bed with a good book. When my peers around me were getting high and experimenting with sex and boys, I was designing websites and becoming part of the internet’s first round of true “bloggers” (you know, before livejournal, vox, wordpress, and movabletype even existed — when websites were coded by hand and entries were purely coded by html in notepad). While girls my age were busy trying to get a grip on why their boyfriends were cheating on them and whether or not they should cheat back as revenge, I was sending love letters and receiving them back to my future husband. I was taking photographs and learning how to edit them in Photoshop. I was writing poetry and drawing. I think, I’ve always been a little different.

Way back when, before I knew my life was my life and it was “normal” regardless of how I lived it, I wondered why I was different and whether or not I should be part of the grain. Why wasn’t I into the stuff that other girls my age were into? Depression became the name of the game, suicide was a bit of a fun past-time hobby of fantasy-making. It wasn’t until the realization finally kicked in that I am allowed to be who I am, without remorse, without regret, whether or not it’s “different” or the “same” as everyone else’s, that I was able to relax and really just live.

Life is simpler when you’re just yourself. Life is happy when you accept that simplicity.

This week has been extra difficult. Aside from just the crazy logistics, such as waking up at the butt crack of dawn 3 days this week and not coming home until 8pm on some nights, this week has also been riddled with crisis after crisis. And, as if the universe wanted to get in one last kick before the weekend, to make me work just a bit harder, today (Friday) could not end with of course, another big crisis. A child was removed with my help, and that is always devastating in and of itself. On top of that, I and my agency have to now prepare for safety precautions in case our physical health gets in danger due to some of these crisis situations. This work is extremely rewarding though challenging, and it is very, very rare for me to fear for my physical safety. Perhaps it’s my hyper sense of protection toward Baby Bean and the fact that I’m pregnant, but I am really hyper vigilant about keeping myself safe, and this particular case does not bode well for that. Please, everyone, keep me in your good thoughts and give me safe energy. I will need it over the course of the next month or so.

In other news, Dave and I have been trying to de-stress with various little things, such as playing with our laptop computers, knitting, and general zoning out in front of the television. We talk to Baby Bean everyday. I’m already a week into my third trimester — it comes so fast! Just 12 more weeks to go (roughly 3 months, give or take a couple weeks depending on when Bean wants to make her earthly debut)! We are ever so excited, and I’m getting ever so big. I’m starting to waddle. Husband giggles every time he sees me, but then again, so does everyone else. I think the sight of a pregnant Helen just cracks people up. Heh.

I seriously have to clean out my purse bag thingie. I think it’s overflowing with craziness. I can hardly find any of my pens in there anymore! I suppose it doesn’t help when I keep stuffing clients’ advertising pens into my bag. Now I’m overflowing with lots of extra stuff I don’t use on a daily basis. It’s starting to get heavy too, and I don’t like to carry any extra weight with me while the belly is getting bigger. I already feel off balanced. Heh.

Thank goodness today is Saturday. I’ve already done half my chores. Just gotta throw some laundry in the washer and do the dishes, and then I can just relax for the rest of the day while the robo vac does its job throughout the rest of the house. Woohoo! Tomorrow, Candice is coming over for a Wii party, so that should be very fun.