Dave and I have been making it a point to take more walks outside when it’s warm. Considering the days haven’t been so good to us (weather-wise), we’ve had to stick at home. We’ve made valiant efforts to going to the beach and taking walks with Lily Bean in her stroller. We want her to get used to the beach and ocean air, where it’s fresh and salty and so wonderfully cool. She’s usually asleep most of the time while we’re away, but she’s still breathing in that lovely air, right? It’s funny, though, how my perspective has changed since having a baby. Everywhere I go I see babies, strollers, car seats, baby clothes, pregnant women, etc. It’s like… did I notice how much we were reproducing before, or did the spurt come out when I became pregnant? Is there something in the water? I can’t believe how many people are having babies. Dang. It must be something in the water. Use protection, people, or you’ll catch it.

Next week, we’re going to attempt our first out-of-country day trip (into Washington, from Canada) with Lily Bean. I want to show her off to all my coworkers and Washingtonian friends, since all but Jenbug hasn’t seen Lily Bean in person yet. I thought she needed a passport, but after asking a local border patrol officer, I realized she only needed her birth certificate. So yay, we’re making a trip down there! My boss, Anne, wants to hold her the whole time… she’s been dying for me to bring Lily Bean. Heh.

I’m starting work again in October, but on a very part time basis. I’ll mostly be working from home except when I’m seeing clients in their home, so it shouldn’t be so bad. I just can’t stand to be away from my baby for more than a few hours, so I’m glad this type of work is flexible and I can do a lot of it from home. Paperwork and phone calls are about 80% of the job, so doing them both at home is very feasible (and have been done before). I can’t wait to get cases again, actually. I enjoy the work and I enjoy keeping in touch with my work community.

Yesterday, I went to my doctor’s appointment after being asked to take give a blood withdraw at the local blood clinic (that sounds awfully vampirish). My doctor was concerned that my thyroid glands looked swollen or enlarged. So the blood test results came back, and indeed, my thyroid levels were very high. She said that while this was not necessarily a “concern,” she wants to keep an eye on it for a while. From the first trimester of my pregnancy, my thyroids became inflamed. I guess it is taking a while longer to get back to normal. I had gained 37 pounds during pregnancy, leading me up to a whopping 136 lbs at the very height of my pregnancy. In less than 3 months time (more like 2.5 months), I lost pretty much all of it and now I’m a mere 103 lbs. I had hoped that the pregnancy weight would help me keep a few extra pounds afterwards so that I can stay at a steady 110 lbs. It sounds healthy to me, for my height and all. No such luck.

Here in the western world, and now bleeding into 3rd world countries as well, we’re very concerned with weight. It is not so much with health, but more with weight in general. Women everywhere have the gift to criticize every part of their body as “too big.” The hips, the thighs, the butt, even the boobs. Not even well endowed boobage is safe from criticism. Self esteem issues have sky rocketed since the 60s. It is no surprise, then, to clear up that sometimes I too have a self image problem. I’ve always been on the more thinner side, and have always been jokingly ridiculed by other women who self proclaimed to be less endowed with the anorexic disease. I eat like a horse, don’t get me wrong, but my metabolism, which I now know has a lot to do with how my thyroids function, has always been very high. I can drink a liter of fatty oil and still may only gain a pound or two. And if I happen to go out for a walk around the block, I’ve completely lost that weight altogether.

Don’t envy me. I’m not saying this to be envied, or sneered at by “fat women” everywhere. I’m not even saying this to be pitied. It is simply a matter of fact and life that my metabolism is sometimes out of control. My issue has always been how I can gain *more* weight, not less. While gaining too much weight can be a concern and give self image problems, losing too much weight is also a concern and has its own self image issues. Women have told me how “lucky” I am to be able to lose all this weight in such a short time after giving birth. I often ponder on how ridiculous this sounds, because it can’t be at all healthy for me to lose this much weight in such a short period of time. I didn’t even try. Losing about 35 pounds in less than 2.5 months is scary. I am afraid of disappearing into nothing.

I have a weight issue. Except, mine is not the same as most women’s in America today. Mine is the dramatic opposition, but it is still valid, it is still a concern, it still represents its own problems and issues. I am trying to gain weight as much as I can, and this should be envied at all. I am trying to keep myself healthy without being too thin, and this should not be looked at as “fortunate” and you should not call me a “lucky bitch.” I don’t feel very lucky. I just want to be healthy.

I am to go see a thyroid specialist soon to discuss my options and what to do in case my thyroiditis continues to be out of control. I have hyperthyroid issues, which is less common than hypothyroid issues (which make you gain weight exponentially faster). Hyperthyroid is just as bad as hypothyroid, but somehow in this time and age and space and location, I can’t help but feel that I am being called “lucky” that I have thyroid issues that make me lose weight at the speed of light. It is no luck, my friend, when health is a concern, regardless of what the weight is.

(I think I need more computer memory in this laptop. It’s taking me longer and longer to do things, such as posting this entry.)

Last Saturday, when Dave went out to get his coffee first thing in the morning, he witnessed a horrific near-death car accident. Not only that, but he was almost directly involved. A small, high-end BMW sped up and passed him by on a two-lane small, residential/park road just a few blocks from our home. The car ended up fish tailing and spun out of control when it hit a shady wet spot, and ended up crashing sideways into the nearest telephone pole off the side ditch. The car hit the pole so hard that it ended up hugging the pole on the passenger right hand side. Dave was so shook up — he and the car behind him (who the BMW also passed) ended up calling the police and were official witnesses to the case. When the paramedics arrived on the scene, the “Jaws of Death” machinery thingie had to be used in order to open the car door to get the passenger out. The driver was able to walk out alive with a few scratches. It is speculated that the passenger had more serious injuries to his person but he is also alive and in stable condition.

I gotta tell ya. These two boys (the driver was only 17 years old, probably borrowing his Daddy’s car to come home from a drunken party the night before; and the passenger was 19) have nine lives, though I’m sure this accident alone took away some of those lives. They’re lucky to be alive. Dave said that by the looks of it, he wouldn’t have been surprised if the passenger didn’t make it. The car door must have HUGGED his whole body during the accident.

You can read the story here in our local newspaper. The photo there is so scary too… I can’t believe how totaled that car got. I am so grateful that Dave is okay. I’m sooooo grateful. I couldn’t stop giving him hugs over the whole incident. I’m glad everyone got out alive too.

(P.S. Are you interested in futures trading?)

Yesterday was a pretty full day. Dave and I took Lily Bean to the beach. I forgot my camera, so no photos for you to see. Darn it. It was a lovely mildly sunny day. We walked up and down the coast with Lily in the stroller. She was asleep pretty much the whole time. Heh. We did attempt to sit underneath a shaded area and take her out of the car seat to have her enjoy the fresh air and be able to flail about freely, but it got a little chilly under the shade, what with the wind blowing, so we decided to keep moving. She wasn’t too happy about the wind blowing in her face and her sleep being disrupted, though she didn’t really cry. She only squeaked. Haha.

Then Nana (my MIL) came by and saw Lily. Lily was in the most delightful mood, and decided to talk and babble on and on and smile and make eye contact with her Nana. It was soo cute. It was awesome. I love this little baby of ours. She is such an amazing child, she is. I can’t wait until we can bring our hammock chair (from Vietnam that my mother gave me) into the front yard and rock her in it. The weather is still nice, I suppose, but there is very little space right now. Maybe next summer. I can imagine a cute cuddle out there while the cool, gentle summer breeze comes by.

Well, since the last entry, things have looked a lot more cheerier, overall. Dave and I had a long talk and we decided to take advantage of the (temporary?) beautiful summer weather here. We went out for lunch with Gran at the beach a couple of days ago, went to the mall yesterday with her again, just to walk around and get out of the house, and today we’re planning to take Lily Bean to the other beach. Maybe get some ice cream, say hi to my yoga friends Doris and Marita (I haven’t seen them since I got pregnant!), and take a nice leisurely walk by the sand. We both love the beach, and we want to instill that same love to Lily. Granted, at this age, every time we leave the house, she seems to fall asleep and hardly notices we’re out on an outing at all. But still, it’s the thought that counts, and we’re planting a seed, if anything. It has helped with my mood. Dave is in a happier mood too, so that always helps as well. He seems to run through my veins, that man. That can be a good thing and a bad thing. It is overwhelming how much I love my husband, yet it leaves me so vulnerable as well.

I’ve also been reading (as another commenter has lovingly suggested). Granted, I’ve never stopped reading, but since giving birth, I’ve found less time to read. Now, right before bed (Dave puts Lily to bed at night so I can get a head start on sleep before she wakes up), I find about 10 minutes to read a book I want to read. That’s about all the time I can afford, but it’s been leaving me with such a sense of satisfaction and happiness. Books can do that.

We’ve also been shopping here and there. The other day, we got a new lawnmower, and we’ve been looking at some patio furniture covers for next summer, when we can work on our outside garden on the deck. I would love to one day have a vegetable and herb garden, but we don’t have much of a back yard right now. We settle for pretty flowers and some basil and mint pots on our deck. We’ve neglected it these past two summers due to the wedding and then the baby, but next summer, watch out! We’re going to have fresh herbs again!

I rarely have any time to do much blogging these days, what with an active and awfully cute newborn infant in the home now. There are so many things I want to say and write about, though I lack the artistic written ability these days, it seems. It also feels like I have the tendency to protect my privacy (something confusingly new to me, seeing as how I have always been a person who values putting her emotions and thoughts on display). These days, my time is consisted of feeding the baby, burping the baby, changing the baby, cuddling and playing with the baby, and if there is any time in between all of those, chores and sleep are a priority for me. I’m not doing much of the whole “sleep” thing though. When the baby is asleep, I should be sleeping (I know, I’ve heard that many times), but there are so many other things to do, like laundry, and dishes, and cleaning up her room, and vacuuming, and showering, and recording feeding times, and dusting from time to time, and pumping breast milk, and sanitizing everything. Then, before I know it, all of a sudden it’s been two hours and the baby is up and hungry again. Lather, rinse, and repeat throughout the day. No time to think about other trivial things like an acne cure or who’s running for president. Heh.

I’m starting to feel a little lonely here at home. None of my friends are visiting anymore — I guess the novelty of “Helen with a baby” has worn out. I don’t really feel like going out much. Dave is always here, which is a blessing, though he seems to be more quieter than usual, so that makes me a little lonely. Most of my friends are in Washington. There are a few in Canada, though they live generally farther away and making the trip to see them feels much like a chore — packing up the baby, feeding the baby, deciding whether or not to go boob-feeding or bottle-feeding out of the house, packing diapers, “doo doo doo doos” (aka washcloths), extra clothes in case of spit ups and poop accidents, socks, hats, changing pad, extra blankets, etc. etc. All this for a possible 1.5-hour trip. Anything can happen during those 1.5 hours. I am wanting to do more walks along the beach, but we all have to be in sync with this desire. If Dave doesn’t want to go, we stay home. If I don’t want to go, we stay home. If Lily Bean is hungry and fussy, we stay home. This doesn’t really help with my increasing sense of loneliness.

Sometimes I feel like I have no control. Not just with the baby (as I adore every single moment with her, awake or asleep… she is truly the joy and pride of my life), but with just… living. I feel like I don’t have any control over my happiness. It is like I’ve given my sense of happiness and being to someone else to control. I don’t know how else to describe it, but it doesn’t feel very good. Some days are better than others. 6am seems to be the time when I can really think. Dave is still sleeping, and Lily has just woken up to feed and then straight back to sleep she goes. And the more thinking I’m doing, the more I feel like I’m just walking alone in this life right now. I feel alone. For no particular reason. I just feel alone. It’s as if the twilight of this time of day leads me to believe that since everyone else is still asleep (every other sane person, that is), I must be the only awake person on earth, and therefore that makes me feel very lonely.

Not sure how to remedy this. I think perhaps a nap is in order. Maybe I’ll feel better afterwards.