I rarely have any time to do much blogging these days, what with an active and awfully cute newborn infant in the home now. There are so many things I want to say and write about, though I lack the artistic written ability these days, it seems. It also feels like I have the tendency to protect my privacy (something confusingly new to me, seeing as how I have always been a person who values putting her emotions and thoughts on display). These days, my time is consisted of feeding the baby, burping the baby, changing the baby, cuddling and playing with the baby, and if there is any time in between all of those, chores and sleep are a priority for me. I’m not doing much of the whole “sleep” thing though. When the baby is asleep, I should be sleeping (I know, I’ve heard that many times), but there are so many other things to do, like laundry, and dishes, and cleaning up her room, and vacuuming, and showering, and recording feeding times, and dusting from time to time, and pumping breast milk, and sanitizing everything. Then, before I know it, all of a sudden it’s been two hours and the baby is up and hungry again. Lather, rinse, and repeat throughout the day. No time to think about other trivial things like an acne cure or who’s running for president. Heh.

I’m starting to feel a little lonely here at home. None of my friends are visiting anymore — I guess the novelty of “Helen with a baby” has worn out. I don’t really feel like going out much. Dave is always here, which is a blessing, though he seems to be more quieter than usual, so that makes me a little lonely. Most of my friends are in Washington. There are a few in Canada, though they live generally farther away and making the trip to see them feels much like a chore — packing up the baby, feeding the baby, deciding whether or not to go boob-feeding or bottle-feeding out of the house, packing diapers, “doo doo doo doos” (aka washcloths), extra clothes in case of spit ups and poop accidents, socks, hats, changing pad, extra blankets, etc. etc. All this for a possible 1.5-hour trip. Anything can happen during those 1.5 hours. I am wanting to do more walks along the beach, but we all have to be in sync with this desire. If Dave doesn’t want to go, we stay home. If I don’t want to go, we stay home. If Lily Bean is hungry and fussy, we stay home. This doesn’t really help with my increasing sense of loneliness.

Sometimes I feel like I have no control. Not just with the baby (as I adore every single moment with her, awake or asleep… she is truly the joy and pride of my life), but with just… living. I feel like I don’t have any control over my happiness. It is like I’ve given my sense of happiness and being to someone else to control. I don’t know how else to describe it, but it doesn’t feel very good. Some days are better than others. 6am seems to be the time when I can really think. Dave is still sleeping, and Lily has just woken up to feed and then straight back to sleep she goes. And the more thinking I’m doing, the more I feel like I’m just walking alone in this life right now. I feel alone. For no particular reason. I just feel alone. It’s as if the twilight of this time of day leads me to believe that since everyone else is still asleep (every other sane person, that is), I must be the only awake person on earth, and therefore that makes me feel very lonely.

Not sure how to remedy this. I think perhaps a nap is in order. Maybe I’ll feel better afterwards.