Yesterday, I went to my doctor’s appointment after being asked to take give a blood withdraw at the local blood clinic (that sounds awfully vampirish). My doctor was concerned that my thyroid glands looked swollen or enlarged. So the blood test results came back, and indeed, my thyroid levels were very high. She said that while this was not necessarily a “concern,” she wants to keep an eye on it for a while. From the first trimester of my pregnancy, my thyroids became inflamed. I guess it is taking a while longer to get back to normal. I had gained 37 pounds during pregnancy, leading me up to a whopping 136 lbs at the very height of my pregnancy. In less than 3 months time (more like 2.5 months), I lost pretty much all of it and now I’m a mere 103 lbs. I had hoped that the pregnancy weight would help me keep a few extra pounds afterwards so that I can stay at a steady 110 lbs. It sounds healthy to me, for my height and all. No such luck.

Here in the western world, and now bleeding into 3rd world countries as well, we’re very concerned with weight. It is not so much with health, but more with weight in general. Women everywhere have the gift to criticize every part of their body as “too big.” The hips, the thighs, the butt, even the boobs. Not even well endowed boobage is safe from criticism. Self esteem issues have sky rocketed since the 60s. It is no surprise, then, to clear up that sometimes I too have a self image problem. I’ve always been on the more thinner side, and have always been jokingly ridiculed by other women who self proclaimed to be less endowed with the anorexic disease. I eat like a horse, don’t get me wrong, but my metabolism, which I now know has a lot to do with how my thyroids function, has always been very high. I can drink a liter of fatty oil and still may only gain a pound or two. And if I happen to go out for a walk around the block, I’ve completely lost that weight altogether.

Don’t envy me. I’m not saying this to be envied, or sneered at by “fat women” everywhere. I’m not even saying this to be pitied. It is simply a matter of fact and life that my metabolism is sometimes out of control. My issue has always been how I can gain *more* weight, not less. While gaining too much weight can be a concern and give self image problems, losing too much weight is also a concern and has its own self image issues. Women have told me how “lucky” I am to be able to lose all this weight in such a short time after giving birth. I often ponder on how ridiculous this sounds, because it can’t be at all healthy for me to lose this much weight in such a short period of time. I didn’t even try. Losing about 35 pounds in less than 2.5 months is scary. I am afraid of disappearing into nothing.

I have a weight issue. Except, mine is not the same as most women’s in America today. Mine is the dramatic opposition, but it is still valid, it is still a concern, it still represents its own problems and issues. I am trying to gain weight as much as I can, and this should be envied at all. I am trying to keep myself healthy without being too thin, and this should not be looked at as “fortunate” and you should not call me a “lucky bitch.” I don’t feel very lucky. I just want to be healthy.

I am to go see a thyroid specialist soon to discuss my options and what to do in case my thyroiditis continues to be out of control. I have hyperthyroid issues, which is less common than hypothyroid issues (which make you gain weight exponentially faster). Hyperthyroid is just as bad as hypothyroid, but somehow in this time and age and space and location, I can’t help but feel that I am being called “lucky” that I have thyroid issues that make me lose weight at the speed of light. It is no luck, my friend, when health is a concern, regardless of what the weight is.

(I think I need more computer memory in this laptop. It’s taking me longer and longer to do things, such as posting this entry.)