I’ve just started my new job — this was my first week, and today was my third day. I am beyond happy being at this new place. The people are friendly, the pay is awesome (almost twice as much as I was making), the work itself is ideal and realistic, the location is closer to home. In fact, pretty much everything sits well with me regarding this job so far. The only thing I don’t like about it is that it takes me away from Lily during the day, but that can’t be helped during these times: that’s what I have to do when I’m a working mother. It gives me comfort that she is at home with her Daddy, getting the best possible care that I can imagine outside of getting it from me.

These days, my priorities have definitely changed. Ah, the days of old, when my time can be spent on the internet, updating my 23423423 sites, and making new layouts like I change underwear (which is, by the way, everyday). Now, I can hardly find the energy to update any one of my sites more than maybe once a week. It’s what happens when priorities change, when I grow up, when different things matter. I still have my wonderful online friends, and I have my wonderful offline friends, and they all mean the world to me, and I try to keep in touch with each one of them on individual levels as much as I can.

The more I work in this field — defending the children, helping the poor, being useful to my community, being *part* of my community — the more I realize where exactly life happens. I saw a bumper sticker on this car today, while driving to work, and it said, “We are not human beings going through a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings going through a human experience.”

Isn’t it so true? No matter what part of the religious spectrum you belong in — from atheist to extreme Christian/Buddhist/Muslim/etc. — you are still a spiritual being. More than just flesh and bone and meat and organs. More than just a breath. There is a mind behind that breath, and soul behind that heartbeat. No one can deny that. And the more I think about it, the more I realize that each day of my existence needs to be made special. What am I doing to make this life better for not just me, but for all of those I love, and for those I cannot see or touch or even know about? It’s not just me in this life. It is my family, my friends, my neighbors, and yes, even the strangers I pass everyday. What am I doing that helps this universe become more balanced, more beautiful, more enriching? What am I doing, as a spiritual being, to improve upon the way we live, as a collective whole?

I can tell you one thing for sure. I am making a very conscious effort not to be bitchy, mean, heartless, cruel. At least not on purpose. Sure, I have my moments were I am angry with the world, where I fight with myself, where I want to scream and yell at how mistreated I feel. Sure, I have my moments where all I want to do is bitch and rant and be petty. But, I am happy to report, proud to report, that those days are becoming fewer and farther between. I am proud to be working to stop bullying in the community, the schools, the homes. I am proud to fight for the underdog. The abused. The neglected. I am proud to not be part of the problem.

And I stand up for what I believe in. I stand up for the rights of others as well as myself. So when I see an ex-friend of mine being just needlessly cruel, just for the sake of being cruel, it really upsets me. Most days, it doesn’t really, actually. But some days, it gets to me more than I would like. I am willing to admit that I too, am human and that I too, make petty mistakes and I too, can be as childish and irrational as the next bitch. But, what I will not own up to, because it is simply not true, is that I go *out of my way* to make others feel bad.

Xandy “Star” Litz Stevenson (aka Xandy Stevenson, aka Xandy Litz, aka Star Stevenson, Xandy Santa Agueda, “Genevieve Star” or whatever — man, this girl has so many aliases, it’s no wonder no one knows who she really is), who I used to call one of my very best friends (and I am not ashamed to admit it, nor would I ever discount it or deny it, either), is someone I am incredibly disappointed in. When we used to be close, which admittedly was quite some time ago — quite a few years ago, in fact — I thought she was one of my favorite people in the world. We got along well, we were two peas in a pod, she was someone I trusted, and I know I was someone she trusted. Well, like many good things, it came to an end. Without going into the details of why it came to an end (some of you already know, and others who don’t for sure already guessed, I imagine), I could safely say that hey, it was probably for the better. We didn’t end things on bad terms. I admittedly still visited her site(s) from time to time, just to see how she was doing. While some of her hobbies or opinions I did not agree with, I still respected her, and I still loved her, in a sense. I still remembered what it was like to have a good friend in her, and I was okay with that. I was okay with not having her actively in my life, because what I remember was good enough to hold me over.

Does that make any sense?

But, the key word here is: respectED. I no longer respect Xandy. Over the years, I gradually stopped checking up on her. Mostly because I became busy with life, with work, with getting married and making a baby and all that stuff. Partly also because I became bored with her reports of how much she spent (seriously, who cares?), and her snippets. Yes, her snippets.

And everything that went with the snippets. When she first started them, they were silly. Fun to read. Really entertaining. And general opinions about the nuances of the world that my lovely Xandy (“Star”) noticed. They were witty and intelligent. Some of them were even sweet. I remember commenting on many of them in the good ol’ days, when things were nice. When she wasn’t a bitch. A bitch on purpose, that is. I remember when she was respected and loved by her peers, and by me. I remember when the snippets were simply ramblings of everyday life (as she claims they are now, but they realistically aren’t). Now, they are mean. Cruel. Unnecessary. And just plain… disgusting.

Her disclaimer, which says they are merely universal rants, is even more disgusting. Her reasoning, her excuse, her rationale, for writing such hateful comments and putting such negative, toxic energy out into the universe is “laughable” (using one of her favorite words here) and untrue. How could any of these snippets be “universal ramblings”? How could any of them *not* be targeted at individual people unnecessarily? How could the mean ones even be excused to merely be a small display of her general dislike for the world from time to time?

Xandy claims that she is merely “venting” and “ranting” because she doesn’t want to hold anything in. It’s not healthy, after all. I can agree with that. I’m a therapist, after all. I encourage people to appropriately and healthily release their feelings to the world. Let it out. I’m a fan of laying it all on the table. But seriously, to do it in such a toxic, chemically disgusting way as the way Xandy does it is utterly uncalled for. It is unnecessarily cruel, and it is mean. And I just don’t like it.

Now, don’t get me wrong. You know probably as well as the next person that I can have the reputation for being unnecessarily blunt as well. But seriously, I can honestly say that during those moments when I *am* unnecessarily blunt, I am not doing so to make others feel bad. It isn’t my intention. I can tell you that much. And afterwards, I apologize for hurting anyone’s feelings. It’s not nice living with the label of “bitch.” Been there, done that. It’s easier and softer on the soul to be calm and collected, to be good to yourself and to others.

Snippets such as:

Sob, sob, cry, cry, piss & moan. Heard it all before!

How is that a “general” target at the universe? When I read this, and this is just ONE example, I get the distinct impression that Xandy here is talking directly to someone. Complaining about someone. Whining and pissing and moaning and sobbing and crying about someone in particular. Because really, why would anyone in their sane mind (or rather, Xandy’s sane mind) be complaining about the general universe sobbing and crying and pissing and moaning? Doesn’t make sense.

So I am left to conclude, alongside with so many other people who have talked with me — both her friends and her un-friends, mind you — that Xandy is lying in her disclaimer. That indeed, these are about real people. This is just a wimpy way of confronting them. And, when even her closest friends have doubts that these snippets may be about them — what is Xandy’s real goal in putting these negative vibes out there?

Now, I got the reports from several sources that in person, Xandy is a very sweet girl. I don’t doubt it. After all, I was once her friend. We even talked on the phone a few times. We sent care packages to each other. I never had any sort of complaint, and still don’t, that she was a very good friend to me. She was nothing if not polite, sweet, lovely, kind to me. I don’t doubt that she is like this in person. But, if so, why would she feel the need to be the exact polar opposite on the internet? Her favorite quote is: “Be who you are and say what you think because those that care don’t matter and those that matter don’t care.” (by Dr. Seuss) I love that quote. But, if she is to live by that quote, which is the real “her” then? Is it the sweet, loving, kind person who people know in “real life,” or is the bitch persona that she portrays herself as on the internet?

Who *is* she?

And, why would a real, sweet person take all this time to make herself one of the most hated figures on the internet?

I also hear that Xandy is a believer of The Secret. Being a fan of it myself (after all, my mindmirror site is based off of its foundation), I don’t understand how she is living up to its fundamental and core standards. If Xandy is a believer of The Secret, wouldn’t she be wanting to visualize and ask for GOOD things in her life? Thus, in turn, wouldn’t she be projecting beautiful, positive, wonderful things into the universe, so that she can receive them right back into her own life? Would she be putting toxins out there, so that she can receive toxins in her life? Because with these snippets, that’s all that her karma is inviting, isn’t it? She’s just inviting hate into her life. She’s inviting “sob, sob, whine, whine” into her life. And judging from all the hate that I’ve seen directed at her, she’s got exactly what she has been asking for: stalkers and haters.

I am so ashamed now, to have called her my friend. Once upon a time, this person was someone I respected and was one of the first people I can’t wait to talk with and share my secrets with. Now, she is nothing but a hated figure. A figure who projects negativity, hatred, toxins into her life and the lives of those around her. A person who has “stalkers” (who don’t stalk her because they love her, but who stalk her because they can’t wait to see her fail and fall on her face) and haters (who hate her because she hates others). A person who has “enemies” at the age of 30. A person who is living her life just to “spite” other people. A person who is staying in a failed and broken marriage to “show up” the others, to prove them wrong. A person who can’t be happy in her own skin unless she is making other people unhappy.

That makes me sad. I stay away now, but it haunts me from time to time. It makes me sad that I’ve known someone like this. It makes me sad that she’s changed so much over the years. It makes me sad that she can’t be happy with just who she is inside. It makes me sad that she’s blackening her good name by being someone so ugly. It makes me sad that she has so many people who hate her, because the person I knew once upon a time was a beautiful, sweet person. A person I wouldn’t mind getting to know again if chance permits. It makes me sad that she can’t trust herself, let alone trust anyone else, to come close enough to her to love her unconditionally. It makes me sad that she is pushing people away so they can’t hurt her. It makes me sad that when I try to look the other way, she is hurting my friends. It sometimes makes me angry too, but mostly, it makes me sad.

And all I can really do, I suppose, is not play the game. I don’t like the snippets, so I won’t do them myself. This is why I’ve named names. I don’t like the game that is being played, so I’m not playing it. This will be the only post I make about this. I just had to get it off my chest. Because I don’t like the games being played, and I will not be one to make “random” snippets like her. I can only, from now on, wish her well, and try my best not to be so angry and sad. I will also, as hard as it is sometimes, send positive energy out there for her. Because it looks like she needs it more now than she ever has before.

I see so many beautiful people out there. People who are struggling everyday but go out of their way to make other people feel good. I see strangers helping strangers. I see people being treated fairly when there really isn’t any other reason to except that it’s the right thing to do. I see people doing small, but great things. I see homeless people helping children. I see hookers having self-respect. I see so many good things. And it makes me sad that sometimes, I also see the bad, mean things.

But, all I can do is what I can do. No more, no less.