So, now my days are spent analyzing poop, pee, changing cloth diapers and analyzing how they work, talking to new and experienced mothers on the internet almost on a daily basis regarding said poop, pee, and cloth diapering. I’ve joined various parenting and gdiaper/cloth diaper groups on the internet, and we spend all day, everyday (practically, in between naps and such), with me on my laptop analyzing each other’s poops, asking for advice on various things such as wipe solutions and position gdiapers and how to wash liners without using the dryer. I can’t believe how *into* it I am. I would’ve laughed if someone suggested to me a year ago that I would spend all my time on the internet researching poop colors and dirty diapers.

My life isn’t at all glamorous. Hell, it wasn’t even glamorous before I got pregnant. I find it amusing and interesting at the same time that I am so proudly displaying photos of her poop for whoever wants to see (I know I know: ew). Seriously, you don’t know just how much a kid changes you until you have one. And still yet, some mothers don’t change at all when they should. Motherhood, I’ve realized, is more of a choice and a privilege than it is a right or an automatic. Not everyone can be a mother, or a father. Just because you can get pregnant, have a sperm and an egg meet and go through the entire gestation period and give birth doesn’t make you a mother. I don’t know what makes you a mother. Is it the passion? The utter, blind acceptance of the new and awesome responsibility you now have towards another person? The complete devotion and dedication of all things that concern your baby? All of the above. It is going throughout your day having a dull sensation of love at the back of your heart that is always with you, even when you’re talking to someone else, having a meeting at work, being stuck in traffic. It is cleaning dirty diapers with utter excitement (read: “And what kind of wonderful artwork do you have for Mommy now, baby? OH GOOD, it’s a POOP!! GOOD JOB, BABY GIRL!! I’M SO PROUD OF YOU!!!”), researching all the different ways on how to protect and guide your baby, talking seriously about parenting her when she’s 3 years old, 5 years old, 10 years old, the dreaded 14 years old, 18 years old, and yes, even after she’s flown the nest. It is daydreaming of her wedding day and imagining the person she will give her heart to. It is listening to every love song with a slight twist now: they are no longer for couple relationships, they are also for mother-daughter and father-daughter relationships.

Love grows when you become a parent, but only if you are up for the challenge. Even her cries make me swell up with pride.

Speaking of baby clothes, I am so addicted to getting Lily Bean some baby gowns. I’ve been looking everywhere, but I haven’t found any that I like. Apparently, they’re not so popular anymore. They should be, because they look so darn cute on babies, and they make diaper-changing so much easier — no clips, zippers, or snaps to fondle with while the poor baby is tired or fussy. I have also been looking for baby leg warmers that would fit newborns. Most of the ones she has are so big for her, she can’t wear them yet. It sucks. The search goes on!

One of these days, Dave and I will have to test going out to eat with a newborn. The very thought makes me kind of nervous — anything can go wrong! What if she needs to get changed (do I excuse myself and her and head to the bathroom?)? What if she wants a boob (I am not yet comfortable with the idea of having to breastfeed in public… I don’t know how anyone does that?)? What if she needs to burp and is fussy in the restaurant? What if she wants to cuddle? What if she needs her outfit changed? So many things that could easily be fixed and dealt with in the comfort of our own home.

Tomorrow we’re going to try to go to the beach for some family time and fun in the sun. Hopefully it will go well. I’m tired just thinking about it. Heh.

So now every time we want to go out, or have to go out (like to a doctor’s visit, or shopping for some odds and ends), we have to spend at least 24 hours planning it, making sure we pack things for the baby bag — enough diapers? cream? foodage? bottle? or boob? blanket in case she gets cold? socks? hat? wipes? etc. You get the idea.

Everything I’m doing now revolves around her, so I feel like I have nothing much to say on this site in particular. Heh. I’ve been catching up on a lot of rest. Dave’s been happily waiting on me hand and foot (he’s SO good to me!!) so that I can take time to heal and rest. Having the husband home with a newborn is sooo beneficial. We’re bonding so much as a family. It’s such an amazing experience, especially with a first newborn. I’m so glad we were able to both take at least 3 or 4 months off like this. Every so often, he and I would look at each other, smile, and give each other a nice, big ol’ hug. Creating a baby sure makes you fall in love with someone all over again. At my very worst, he loves me. During contractions, he loves me. During labor, he loves me. During my days-after-the-hospital-when-I-couldn’t-shower, he still loves me. When my belly is protuding, he loves me. When it’s flabby and weird and bandaged up and scarred after childbirth, he loves me. When I can’t even get into the tub by myself, he still loves me. I can see it in his eyes. He adores me and he respects me.

He was telling me how amazed and impressed he was with me during the whole childbirth thing. He said I never screamed once, and I always had a good sense of humor, cracking jokes even during the worst contractions. He said he had trouble understanding how severe labor pains were because I was so good-natured about it all. Heh. He said I didn’t complain once, I didn’t get angry once, and I was always very polite with everyone I met and talked to, including all the nurses and the doctors. I was wondering before the whole birth what I would be like during labor — a screamer? (I had thought so, but I guess not) a whiner? a crier? Dave said that although I reported the pains, I wasn’t whining about them. I did cry a couple of times though, which really made it hit home for him.

Anyway, Lily Bean is going to get up and ask for another feeding pretty soon. I better get going. Hope you’re having an awesome Monday. Everyday bleeds into the next for me now. Heh. I forget what days are which!

(I’m looking into getting one of those Santa Fe dehumidifiers… anyone have any experience with them?)

Dude. She must have been all but in her late teens, and her boyfriend who also happened to be the baby daddy to her new son, was also there with her. The baby was taken away primarily because he had a little heart murmur, but I think the real reason is (after eavesdropping on several of their conversations and hearing what the nurses had talked to them about across the hall from my bed, etc.) that the hospital was concerned about child neglect and abuse. The girl presented as borderline retarded, and the boy didn’t seem much more intelligent than that. The first day and a half, the baby didn’t get fed because the girl “tried” breast feeding a “couple of times” (according to her), and got discouraged because the milk wasn’t coming in (duh, it’s only the first day!). So then she just didn’t feed the poor kid, from what I gathered. She didn’t even ask for the nurse to come in and give the baby some formula (like any sane mother would do if she was concerned her breast milk wasn’t coming in to give sustenance to her baby). When the hospital found this out, I think they had to investigate and see if the couple had the capacity and ability to parent appropriately. The pediatrician on duty was called and she asked them a whole bunch of questions about her possible drug and alcohol consumption and/or abuse during pregnancy, and whether or not they were feeding the baby. The girl slurred her speech and was really low affect, so it was concerning. The baby was taken away and was put in an incubator for a couple of nights, hence prolonging their stay at the hospital, hence why I had them for as long as I did. Her labor was natural too, so she should’ve just had to stay one night.

Then one day, their whole extended family came to visit. Literally, like, it felt like an episode of “Trailer Trash Boys” exploded in my hospital room. There were about 10 visitors there, and they were all bragging about how they were all wasted last night. Even the grandmother inappropriately was going on and on in this weird southern hick accent about how she was completely wasted on Crown Royal the night before. The nurse later on came in to ask how everything was going, really casually, and the girl responded, “Oh, I’m a little drunk.” And the nurse had to do a double take and ask again, “Wait, wha..?” The girl said she was depressed because she was kept against her will at the hospital cuz they wouldn’t release her with her baby. The girl was also bragging to her friends earlier the previous day about smoking during contractions to relieve the pain. Dude. Geez. As much as the contractions were killing me, never once did it occur to me to smoke throughout it. What the hell.

Anyway, that was a little weird. It made my stay that much more annoying, knowing another newborn born the same day as our Lily Bean was being treated this way. It just makes me sad.

But on to happier notes, we are so in love with this beautiful baby girl of ours. We can’t stop staring at her. The faces and expressions she makes are just so classic. We’ve got a camera literally permanently shoved in her face, poor thing. Heh. We’re trying to get a normal schedule going, or as normal as we can make it now. I’m thinking of getting some more laptop memory for both of our laptops, but that may not come for a while. Right now, everything revolves around Lily.

Today was a nice day. Julie and Megan (part of the pod from our graduate days together) came up to Canada to visit me. We spent a lot of time talking and laughing, checking out the baby’s room (they love it!), and then we went to White Rock Beach to mosey around, have some awesome Japanese food, and walk along the beach. I even had yummy Gelato ice cream. Yum! It was really good seeing them today. I’ve been kind of lonely after I stopped working and am literally “house bound.” It’s nice to have some friends visit. I’m hoping Jenbug and Martha will be able to come up soon too. It’s really nice that Husband is also at home, so I’m not so lonely. We’re so in love right now, with the baby coming. It puts a whole new, interesting, exciting, and beautiful side to our relationship, our marriage. We’re spending a lot of time laughing and talking. It’s very nice.

Plus, he’s been making about 3 trips a day to the store to fulfill my spontaneous pregnancy cravings. I’m going through tubs of orange sherbert ice cream, many Spanish mangos (mmm), and milk. Lots of those. For whatever reason, I can’t get enough of those three. Yummy.

Husband is making us some fried rice tonight. Mmm mm mmm!!

(Psst… anyone need some Dymo labels?)

I’m already getting several people email me, or call me up, asking, “Is the baby there yet?!!” Well, no, ya silly dorks!! With me being so hypervigilant with keeping baby news updated everywhere, do you think I’d have kept it from the internet world if Baby Bean has arrived? Of course not! You’d better believe that there will be at least 300 photos posted all over the place within the first 24 hours (okay, maybe not, but you get the idea). Heh.

I’ve been a little more grumpy than usual too. I believe it’s because of the physical achiness that comes with being so far along in the pregnancy. I’m trying to hold it together, but the other day, while watching Joy Luck Club with Dave (it happened to be on tv, and it’s one of my favorite movies), I ended up sobbing throughout it. It was kinda silly. It’s a sad movie to begin with, but dude, I was SOBBING. Dave came by and laughed at me and held me and said I was so cute and beautiful, and kissed my tears. And I sobbed even harder. And then the other night my back was hurting so badly, nothing I could do could’ve relieved it. No laying down position made it better, no side position made it better, no standing or sitting position made it better. I was so frustrated, I started crying. Talk about hormonal.

So, I now leave you with another little survey. I’m the self-declared survey queen.

THE SIGNIFICANT OTHER SURVEY

Just Basic Stuff:
Are you single?
No.

For how long?
I haven’t been single for approximately 10 years now.

Who should make the first move?
Whoever feels comfortable.

Who should pay on the first date?
I don’t mind going halfsies, but Dave paid for our first date.

Have you ever been in a serious relationship?
Oh yes. I’m in one now. Heh.

Ever been in love?
Very much so right now.

Ever have your heart broken?
Yes. A couple of times.

Ever break someone else’s heart?
Yes, a couple of times.

Ever been cheated on?
Yes. It ain’t fun. That pretty much ended my last relationship.

Straight/Gay/Bi?
I’m straight.

Best place to go for a date?
The beach? Or stay home and watching a movie together.

How many dates until it becomes a relationship?
Errm… until it’s discussed, I suppose. Maybe like, 5 or 6? I don’t know.

How many dates until the first kiss?
I kissed Dave on the first date, but we’ve known each other for 2 years prior to that.

How many dates until you go further?
Erm. It depends on the person, the chemistry, etc. I don’t have a set rule.

How long was your longest relationship?
This current one: going on over 8 years now. The one before this, approximately a year.

Does your family like your current/last bf or gf?
Yes, they adore Dave. I think they like him better than me.

What about your friends?
Yes, they all seem to like Dave, as far as I know.

Does it matter what people think of the person you’re seeing usually?
Yes, I think friends’ and family’s opinions matter. They know me best, outside of this relationship. I trust my friends.

Do you get jealous?
Nope. Not usually. I fake jealousy sometimes though. “Is that Susan calling again?!!!” (sorry, private joke heh)

Do you fight because of jealousy?
Nope. We never fought over jealousy. Weird, huh?

Do you stilll see your friends as much as when you are/were single?
Yeah, I should say so. I’ve always been a hermit though, but I try to make time for my friends.

How does the person you’re with feel about your family?
Dave likes my family. He sometimes doesn’t understand the culture, but he tries his best.

How about friends?
He likes all my friends. I make awesome friends.

Does it matter what they think about your friends or family?
Yes. I like everyone to get along. It stresses me out when people I love don’t get along.

Do you like when they surprise you with gifts?
Yes, I love surprises!!

Would you marry them?
I did marry him! Hee.

Would you have kids with them?
We’re having a kid together! Go Baby Bean go!

Would it bother you if they…

had a lot of tattoos? nope
piercings? nope, he has one!
dyed hair? nope
if they smoked? yes; thank goodness he quit
if they did drugs? depending on which kind
owned a motorcycle? I’d be worried about safety
joined the military? yes; I don’t like the military and what it stands for
drank alcohol? nope
had more friends of the opposite sex? nope
committed a crime? depending on what type
(like, if he stole from the rich and gave to the poor, I’d be like “GO HUSBAND GO!!” )
were rude to your friends? yes; thank goodness Dave’s the picture of politeness
had children already? nope
were ugly? huh? I don’t consider anyone I love ugly
were a different religion? as long as he’s okay with me not being that religion
had different political views? yes; I think political views are very important in a relationship
lived in another state? we used to; long term wise, it wouldn’t work out
lived in another country? we used to! hehe
had no job? would bug me, yes
were bad with money? depending on how bad: I’m not overly great with money either
were jealous of your friends? yes: what’s there to be jealous of?!

This or That…?

Light hair or dark hair? either: Dave has dirty brown hair
Taller or shorter? must be taller
Thin or Heavy? medium
Smoker or non? non-smoker please
Night in or night out? night in!
Brown, Blue, or Green eyes? any! Dave has hazel eyes
Punk or thug? either: dude, enough with the labels: just be yourself
Prep or Skater? whatever
Surfer or Thug? ugh
Funny or serious? both
Smart or Funny? both
Athletic or Smart? smart
Artistic or Athletic? artistic
Shy or Outgoing? shy
Crazy or normal? a little of both, please

However — and this is a HUGE however — every time I feel Bean move, every time I see her move, I am just so overwhelmed with love and joy, it makes everything I go to absolutely and completely worthwhile. I am so in love with this little moving maniac inside me. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night just to feel her movements inside me, and on my hands. She is growing so much, as evidenced from her kicks. She’s trying to make her way under my ribs for more space, which makes me wince every time, but it’s just so cute. I can’t describe the feeling at all. Making a human is the greatest superpower a woman can have. I am so proud of this little Beaner o’ ours.

1. Last night, after washing my hands from going #1 (which happens approximately every 45 minutes it seems), I left the hot water running….. for 2 hours. TWO HOURS!!
2. Buying clothes and forgetting that I bought them.
3. Putting laundry in the washer, and forgetting to put either detergent, or the water on.
4. Washing half the dishes when the phone rings, and then forgetting I was washing dishes.
5. Calling a client, letting the phone ring, and then when the client answers, forgetting why I called.
6. Putting away clothes after doing laundry, and forgetting where I put them.
7. Re-filling the cat food dish, walk away, and attempt to re-fill it again when realizing it’s already been done.
8. Shaving one leg, then the other, then attempting to shave the first leg again.
9. Telling a social worker one bit of info, only to call two days later to tell her again, the same info.

These are just examples of crazy things I’ve been doing. Dave would come to me and sometimes ask me to remind him what I asked him to do, and I would say, “Er… I don’t know? What was I needed you to do?” He gets off the hook pretty easily this way. Haha. This bugs Jenbug at work royally, because I’m always forgetting conversations we’ve had about clients, or anything really. The only thing I can remember these days are things that happened before the pregnancy. This is all new to me. I used to be able to remember conversations word for word, often being able to repeat them verbatim in court, or memorize my whole 50-hour week schedule without having to crack open my planner once. Now I have to look at my calendar at least every other 15 minutes, in case I show up to the wrong appointment (which fortunately, has only happened about twice during the course of this pregnancy!). This pregnancy brain is out of control!

Dave is just beaming from ear to ear every time we discuss Bean. He’s awfully cute. He’s such a proud husband and a proud daddy already. He says hi to Bean in the morning times and goodnight to her when we go to bed. She sometimes kicks in response when he presses his fingers lightly at where her bum is. I am just so glad that he is as excited about this baby as I am. Even when he’s having a bad day or is a little grumpy, just the mention of “Baby Bean” makes his face light up and his eyes shine. I can’t wait till we’re officially parents. We’re gonna do awesome. It’s better than any feeling in the world, knowing you’re in charge of this little itty bitty life. It’s better than vacation, better than chocolate, better than even udon noodles and getting a new laptop. It’s better than reading a good book (which is soo darn good), better than getting a Hilton Head rental, better than a satisfying lunch. It’s just… awesome.