Archive for heart
April 17, 2010 at 8:50 pm · Filed under daily, heart, interests
Yesterday, I went to this wonderful neuroscience conference in Vancouver, where there were several speakers who presented on their perspective of our homeless and drug problem in the urban community. It was a full day dialogue, and it was fascinating. Absolutely fascinating. Not only did it get political and scientific, it also got very deep and personal. They showed videos and photos of those who had drug-induced psychosis and living on the streets of Vancouver, particularly in the downtown east side, near Hastings. I am absolutely struck that so many people are living under such horrible, diseased, dire conditions. I am not one of those who will blame people for their own circumstances because I think that is too simple of an answer to a complicated question. I can sit by and say “Oh they deserve it because they did this to themselves.” After so many years of working in the mental health field, I have come to realize with wide open eyes that circumstances, genetics, and environment dictate who we become and who we are.
In other words, in different circumstances and with a different upbringing, I could be exactly in their place, homeless, drugged out, and with no support system.
Simply by saying, “Oh just let them kill themselves off and die. They deserve it anyway.” doesn’t make the problem go away. In fact, in many ways, it makes it worse. These are our people, our homes, whether or not we choose to accept them. These are the people who fall through the cracks. These are the people we are afraid to look at and when we do, we look at them with disgust because it is easier to do than to think, “Wow, this could be me in a different place and a different time.” These are the people who society turns their backs on because it’s easier to do than to admit that we have a problem that we need to get together and fix.
While driving home from the conference, I passed Hastings St. The two or three blocks where the homeless, the drug addicts, the sex workers all hung out struck me even more so than just that very morning when I passed through the same streets on my way to the conference. It was easier for me to ignore just 8 hours before, even though I’ve worked in this for about 5 years now. It was easier for me to say, “Oh well, poor souls.” and move on. Suddenly, I was struck by a deep understanding, a pitiful admittance about our society and the way we work. I find myself tearing up while I saw a cocaine-addicted sex worker roaming a corner, looking for her next fix, or her next client. I find myself wondering how I can responsibly go on with the rest of my life, without a care in the world, to my lovely new home, with my lovely new furniture, with my lovely family, to my lovely baby (who in different circumstances, could have, would have ended up where these people are).
I find myself staring blatantly in the face of our own failure as a human race. When we can’t even take care of our own. When we no more than blatantly commit cannibalism while we eat our own alive, through such abuse and ignorance. It is a societal cannibalistic act in and of itself, when we pretend that what we are doing to each other isn’t the same as what we are doing to ourselves.
(Anyone need atv?)
February 14, 2010 at 9:09 pm · Filed under heart
Over the years, Valentine’s Day became a little mundane to us. After so many years of being together and living together, Dave and I have come to truly appreciate the daily-ness of our love and our life together. Having Valentine’s Day seems a little less private and a little less original than the holiday had intended (outside of Hallmark, I mean). It is the consumerist’s style of manipulation to make something as private and intimate and personal as the relationship between two lovers into something so publicly celebrated and flaunted. So, although sometimes Dave and I recognize the holiday for what it is, most of the time, we tend to live it like we live every other day. We tend to like our anniversaries and our birthdays more, because they seem more personalized and more special to each of us, to our family. While I love the idea of celebrating love, I don’t like to celebrate it with so many people. It sort of defeats the intimacy of the love itself, in my opinion.
Though, having said that, I really enjoyed the heart-shaped toast with pancakes and eggs that my husband had made for me today, in a celebratory gesture of the holiday. We didn’t get each other anything this year, as we usually celebrate on our anniversaries, and kisses and hugs more than suffice. The fact that we’ve been together for so long is in and of itself enough for celebration everyday, I think. I enjoy being appreciated, being acknowledged for my half of our contribution to uphold this family. I enjoy getting random kisses and the small moments of flirtation that we still have, after being together for so long. I enjoy having daily reminders that he loves me. I would rather have small doses of appreciation and love everyday than a giant dose of a present or a dozen roses just once a year.
So, maybe I’ll get some more heart-shaped toast another time. Regardless, I know he loves me, and I know he appreciates me, and there’s nothing more I could ask for.
Except maybe a epson receipt printer. Just kidding.
January 18, 2010 at 8:53 pm · Filed under daily, heart
Well, we finally did it. We got a house. After looking at approximately 50 houses (or what feels like 50 houses!), we finally found “the one” for us. And then, after a week’s worth of intense pain and anxiety, after putting in an offer and having it accepted, the closing date finally came today, and we signed the necessary papers that make us official homeowners. Now all we need to do is wait for the day to move in, which is a little under a month and a half from now. That’s how long we have to pack to move into our lovely new home! It is tiring just thinking about it!
There are a lot of things going on in our heads. We have a lot of plans, some realistic, some maybe not so much, but we will get there in time. I can’t believe that I am at a time in my life already where I am thinking about what to do in my 30s and my 40s, and where our family is headed. I’m over the hump that most people get in their 20s, about “where shall I live?” and “who shall I grow old with?” and “should I have children?” All those things have been taken care of. Now, on to the next stage in life. It is a little insane, and a little scary, but a lot exciting.
(P.S. Please give hope and love and positive energy out there to anyone who needs it, especially in this new decade. This includes victims of the latest Haiti disaster, the abused, the neglected, the sick and the dying, even those with malignant Mesothelioma. We all need to give a little more kindness in this world. We all need a little more love.)
September 29, 2009 at 8:45 pm · Filed under daily, heart, interests
I’ve been toying with the idea of possibly starting my own business. Actually, I’ve been toying with this for a long time. Years, even. I sometimes get the vast urge to do something really creative with my artistic endeavors, like open up a greeting card store, or try my hand at a web design business again, or making photography as a full time job, or.. or.. well, you get the idea. But, I never really get around to actually taking the next step after “thinking about it.” I’ve never consulted with business plan consultants, and I’ve never really mapped out any sort of concrete plan. Maybe one day, as a retirement gig, I can do it. But for now, I’m really happy being a mental health therapist. For now, I really enjoy being able to help my community stay mentally happy. Happiness is a great business to be in.
May 5, 2009 at 8:38 pm · Filed under daily, heart, thoughts
I’m having a hard time keeping up with my blogs. I remember back in the day when I had 3 million things to do everyday, such as a full-time job, and graduate school (which was seriously the most challenging thing I’ve done until I had a baby), and getting married, planning a wedding, moving, etc. Even during all of those periods in my life, I was still able to keep up with all my blogging. It wasn’t hard to do. I always had time, or always made time, to write in my sites because that was what kept me sane. My passion for writing never really left.
Until, well, until I had a baby. Suddenly, priorities shifted, and taking care of myself came second. I’m still balancing what it means to be my own woman and a wife and a mother all at the same time. Some days I think I have it down pat, and other days I feel like I’m struggling. What a big life change this has become. I mean, I always knew that, going into motherhood, but wow. I didn’t actually realize it until I was in the depths of it, y’know? I love this little bundle of joy so much that sometimes my body actually vibrates from all this love. And then before I know it, I’ve forgotten to eat, forgotten to sleep well, forgotten to do yoga (since October — ugh), etc.
I am absolutely, horridly jealous of Dave that he can stay home with Lily like this. I feel like I am missing out so much. However, I am also absolutely ecstatic that he has this time with her because the bond that he’s getting with her, just the two of them, is something so magical to witness. She just laughs and lights up when he enters the room. Before I went back to work full time, Lily’s world just consisted of “Mommy”… and now that Daddy takes care of her during the day for 4 days a week, she’s expanded that world to include him, and I love seeing how much trust she has in him, how much love she has for him, and how much excitement is in her eyes when she sees him. Nothing else warms a mother’s heart as much as seeing her child bond with her daddy.
(Are people already thinking of Black Friday sales? It’s not even summer yet!)
February 10, 2009 at 10:11 pm · Filed under heart
I find myself dancing through my days according to what Lily Bean is up to. Will she be having peas, carrots, or pears today? My whole identity has changed in just a short period of time. When I say that I am “enjoying being a mother,” you have no idea what an understatement that is. Seriously, I am _enjoying_ being a mother. Like, there is absolutely no other joy out there that feels this good. Ten thousand times better than having an awesome meal. Ten thousand times better than quenching your thirst for water. Ten thousand times better than taking a hot bath after a long day. I am really, truly _enjoying_ being a mother. Seriously.
I suppose I always knew that I was a “nurturing” person in general. After all, I wouldn’t be a therapist, a counselor, a shrink, if that weren’t the case, right? I knew I would feel up to the task of caring for another helpless, innocent, completely true and beautiful little creature. I knew I would be able to handle it, as I’ve always taken my responsibilities seriously. I always knew that if given the chance, I would be able to love unconditionally, whole-heartedly, and completely. I always knew those things.
But somehow, I didn’t really truly fathom the depth of this type of love. My mother always talked about it, but her language was more threatening than loving. “I love you so much that you owe me your life.” Her own custom promotional product advertising how much my life was worth. I never really felt that her love was unconditional, no matter how much she swore it was. Just because it was usually accompanied by a threat, a if-then statement, a condition. “I love you unconditionally, so you better not disappoint me.”
I suppose in a way, I was afraid of being a mother. I think every good woman is. The realization of giving the best of yourself without expecting anything in return is frightening. Hoping that whatever your faults may be, that whatever your struggles are, your best is yet to be given to this tiny creature you helped bring into this world. She is your responsibility, so you better do right by her. And she owes you nothing because you created her out of your will, your love, your sheer motivation for the appreciation of life and the universe. Was the Big Bang planned because God thought it was time he was appreciated? No. Motherhood wasn’t planned merely for the same reason, either.
I want to do right by this little creature. Right now, our relationship is something made of fantasies and daisies. The love is powerful, the bond is there, the relationship is intact. She cries when I leave the room. She calls for me sometimes in the middle of the night to comfort here. There is often only one person who can make her world right again, and that’s me. To know that you have that infinite power to make another person that happy, that satisfied, and feel that safe. Wow, that’s amazing. I hope I don’t screw this up. For the love of God, and for the love of my daughter, I hope I don’t screw this up.
Because seriously, she is worth everything that I have in me. She is worth every little mistake I made in the past. Every little tear I shed. Just so that all the bad could be forgotten and forgiven so that all that is left is good, and all the good is put into her. I’m a mother now, and I can’t be more terrified of this role.
January 12, 2009 at 12:19 am · Filed under daily, heart, thoughts
Wow, it’s been a long time since I’ve updated the site. Like, really updated, and not just dorky little mini-memes that don’t really say much about how I’ve been doing. Heh. The holidays are over now, and I’m still adjusting to getting back to the daily norm and the weekly routine. My sister visited for a week during Christmas week, and then I had about 4 days reprieve to recover (haha) before my brother visited for another week, with his girlfriend. They just left yesterday. I’m having a hard time playing catch-up. However, it was really, really nice to see them again. It seems that as time goes on, we change more and more. I feel like with every visit I have with them (since we live so far away from each other now: me in B.C. Canada and them in North Carolina), I am re-learning who they are as people, as individuals, as adults. Sometimes I see the semblance of days gone past, when we were all still little kids playing in the back yard, or bike riding in our neighborhood in California. Now, it seems like those days of old are so far away. At the time, they seemed like they would never end. Long summer days where we would ride our bikes to get away from our parents. Hanging out with George and Marian across the street (who have both passed on by now). Catching bugs during the summer together and raking leaves during the autumn together.
And now, the littlest one, my sister, is in college, old enough to legally drink. The middle one, my brother, is living on his own, making his own living. The oldest one, me, is married with a baby. How did all this happen so quickly? How did we all grow up so fast? Lily not only made a mother out of me, but an uncle out of Eddie and an auntie out of Sophia. Wasn’t it just yesterday that Sophia was Lily’s age and I was changing her diapers, albeit begrudgingly? Now, Eddie and Sophie hold onto Lily and speak baby language to her, laugh with her, play with her, and I think, “Wow… we’ve moved to become another generation.”
Sometimes time passes by so quickly. Nothing really stays the same. Things change, people change, age continues on. Sometimes, I wish I was still 10 years old, my brother 5 years old and my sister only 3 years old, and we were still underneath that low lemon tree in the back yard, playing a game that enabled us to, just for a little while, live in a far-off fantasy land where fairies and magical elves existed. But if I blink too fast, I am suddenly back here, in the present time, age 28, married, and babied. And I’m making new memories with my own little girl, helping her build imaginary worlds where her own fairies and her own elves talk to her and sing her songs.
Wow. I feel old all of a sudden.
December 4, 2008 at 11:55 pm · Filed under heart
The weather is getting really really cold. Days like these make me want to stay home and cuddle up with the husband and the baby and just have hot cocoa and play peekaboo. That sounds like a perfect day. And maybe while she’s napping, have a good book cuddled up by the fire. Or take a nap too.
That sounds even better. Heh.
Work is going well, though I am being kept busy. It feels weird going back to work and being in “work mode.” It feels like my life has changed completely, and yet I’m still doing some of the old things I used to do, like doing therapy work and meeting with clients and going to staff meetings and going to court and all that stuff. It’s not a bad feeling, it’s just a really different feeling. The other day Dave and I were talking to Lily Bean and we told her that once upon a time, not too long ago even, we were on our own before she came into our lives. Neither of us remember what it was like before she came along. Dave concluded that he and I must have just sat in the dark staring at each other because looking back now, life seemed pretty dreary and dark without her. And yet, I remember that at the time, I was happy too. But I can’t imagine being any happier than I am now, if you know what I mean. This current feeling of happiness doesn’t compare to the happiness before her: it was almost like just knowing one side of a coin. Now we know both sides and looking back, that one side feels almost incomplete. How did we not know there was another side to happiness? How did we miss it before?
Things have changed, and yet, some things have not. Going to work, and coming home. I suddenly wear a new hat. The Mommy hat. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.
October 23, 2008 at 9:39 am · Filed under heart, interests, thoughts
So yesterday, I turned in my absentee ballot for the federal and state elections this year. I was almost surprised to find out that there are actually 9 people running for president, 7 of whom never got any air-time in any of the nation’s media. They were skipped out of the “presidential” debates entirely. I give them all kudos for having the nerve to even run for president, knowing that they would never win, or even get represented as a presidential candidate in America’s history. I would have voted for Nader, or even the Green Party’s representative (whose name I have already forgotten, giving valid proof that they almost don’t matter), but this isn’t Canada, or the UK, or any other country that allows their candidates to be represented fully. This is the “United” States of America, where only two people can run for president. Not “everyone” can be president because after all, the last two presidential candidates four years ago happened to be cousins to one another.
It makes me angry, really, to see these candidates on the ballot and feeling like my hands are tied that I cannot vote for the person I think would be better at the job because I know I would be throwing my vote away. In Canada, a percentage of the votes for every party gets represented in “seats” in the government. In the U.S., good luck in hell when that happens. In Canada, even minority parties get represented, depending on how many votes they get. In the U.S., there are only two parties worth mentioning: democratic and republican. In Canada, when there is a prime minister debate, there are all the parties up there, debating with one another, sometimes as many as 5 people talking seriously about the issues. In the U.S., presidential candidates who are not from the Democratic or Republican party get arrested for even showing up at the debates. In Canada, I wouldn’t be throwing my vote away if I didn’t vote for one of the top two representatives. I would know that at least my vote counted for a percentage and therefore my party would have a “seat.” In the U.S., a vote not for the Democratic party is a vote for the Republican party. Oh, what a “free” country we live in.
It seems counterproductive when people get angry that Ralph Nader has again run for president. People accuse him of allowing votes to be thrown away, thereby essentially “handing” votes to the Republican candidate because after all, what chance in hell does he have of winning? And yet, I keep going back to the lesson that my 1st grade teacher kept telling us: “Anyone can run for president.” Sure, anyone can run, but not anyone can win. Sure, anyone can run, but you can’t just vote for “anyone” and make it count. Sure, anyone can run, but who is Mr. Anyone going to get corporate endorsements if that Anyone doesn’t promise corporations and sleazy CEOs a percentage of their wealth and fame once president? Sure, “anyone” can run, but how many impoverished, blue collar middle class black women who are raising ten fatherless children do you know have run for president in this country’s history?
That’s right. None.
So, with every election that passes, I feel a sense of duty and a sense of loss. I voted for the least of two evils (though I have to admit, during this election, I am more excited about Obama than I have been with any candidate running for president in the past; even Clinton). With every vote where I’m not voting for my heart, I feel like I’m selling just a tiny bit of my soul away, and condoning this country’s fake democracy.
But there you have it. Not enough of us are angry enough to do anything about it. Most of us are too busy looking for top rated diet pills to shove down our throats so we can look like Paris Hilton or Nicole Richie. *shudder*
October 16, 2008 at 9:30 am · Filed under baby bean, daily, heart
It’s funny what drives me these days. Last night, while getting ready for bed, I realized just how much my life has changed since Lily Bean was born. Conversations revolve around her, events revolve around her, priorities revolve around her. Everything changes. I don’t miss life before her. In fact, I hardly remember what life was like before her. The “freedom” to do whatever I want? Now I realize that something was missing in that “freedom.” She was missing in my arms all along.
So, now my days are spent analyzing poop, pee, changing cloth diapers and analyzing how they work, talking to new and experienced mothers on the internet almost on a daily basis regarding said poop, pee, and cloth diapering. I’ve joined various parenting and gdiaper/cloth diaper groups on the internet, and we spend all day, everyday (practically, in between naps and such), with me on my laptop analyzing each other’s poops, asking for advice on various things such as wipe solutions and position gdiapers and how to wash liners without using the dryer. I can’t believe how *into* it I am. I would’ve laughed if someone suggested to me a year ago that I would spend all my time on the internet researching poop colors and dirty diapers.
My life isn’t at all glamorous. Hell, it wasn’t even glamorous before I got pregnant. I find it amusing and interesting at the same time that I am so proudly displaying photos of her poop for whoever wants to see (I know I know: ew). Seriously, you don’t know just how much a kid changes you until you have one. And still yet, some mothers don’t change at all when they should. Motherhood, I’ve realized, is more of a choice and a privilege than it is a right or an automatic. Not everyone can be a mother, or a father. Just because you can get pregnant, have a sperm and an egg meet and go through the entire gestation period and give birth doesn’t make you a mother. I don’t know what makes you a mother. Is it the passion? The utter, blind acceptance of the new and awesome responsibility you now have towards another person? The complete devotion and dedication of all things that concern your baby? All of the above. It is going throughout your day having a dull sensation of love at the back of your heart that is always with you, even when you’re talking to someone else, having a meeting at work, being stuck in traffic. It is cleaning dirty diapers with utter excitement (read: “And what kind of wonderful artwork do you have for Mommy now, baby? OH GOOD, it’s a POOP!! GOOD JOB, BABY GIRL!! I’M SO PROUD OF YOU!!!”), researching all the different ways on how to protect and guide your baby, talking seriously about parenting her when she’s 3 years old, 5 years old, 10 years old, the dreaded 14 years old, 18 years old, and yes, even after she’s flown the nest. It is daydreaming of her wedding day and imagining the person she will give her heart to. It is listening to every love song with a slight twist now: they are no longer for couple relationships, they are also for mother-daughter and father-daughter relationships.
Love grows when you become a parent, but only if you are up for the challenge. Even her cries make me swell up with pride.
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