Archive for heart
January 9, 2008 at 2:08 pm · Filed under daily, heart
Some good things are happening! I’m so proud of my husband. 
I won’t go into details but he’s my hero. Way to stick to your guns, Husband!
In other news, Mr. Husband there also managed to finally finish painting our en suite bathroom… which means: YES we get to move back into it! Having to use the main bathroom for everything was quite a pain in the arse, especially when that main bathroom doesn’t have a plug for hair dryer or toothbrush or anything: it only seems to allow razors and that’s it. So I’ve had to dry my hair in the hallway. O.o Very weird. Mr. Procrastinator there finally got the job done, and it only took him 4 months to paint the itty bitty room that can only fit a toilet and a sink! 
Pet peeve of the day: There’s something wrong with “painter’s tape” when it doesn’t peel off right and when it peels off PAINT from underneath. What the hell? Am I using it wrong or something? I thought this stuff was supposed to be lighter on surfaces and easier to remove? If this isn’t the case, why didn’t I just use masking tape? I’d get the same crappy effect.
January 2, 2008 at 11:35 pm · Filed under heart
You know, the weirdest thing about friendships, at least for me, is that they are so unpredictable. While I’ve found some pretty secure (or so I feel, anyway) relationships to be involved during these last couple of years, there seems to always be those few straggling ones that take me by surprise on how they turn out. I am not one for drama, and over the years I’ve learned that there are ways to avoid drama. I used to thrive on them (it takes a long time for someone to finally admit that, y’know, but I’m a better person for realizing it now), and I used to be afraid of change, especially in friendships. Now that 2007 is gone, I think of the couple of friendships that have changed their courses in my life. I became closer to some of my acquaintances, and become more distanced with some “close” friends. I don’t know what makes friendships come, go, or stay, but I think it’s time for me to just stop analyzing them. The truth of the matter is: when they take that much time analyzing, perhaps the friendships aren’t meant to be.
I am grateful that right before 2007, I reconciled with an old friend. Someone I was very close with, in fact, from a few years ago. I am surprised that this happened, but I take what I can get, and I try to just go with the flow. There are things I can control, and there are things I can’t. I can respond to what people say and do, but I can’t control what they say or do in the first place. I’m glad reconciliations are still possible in my life, and I look forward to them. However, I think the reason why this particular reconciliation was possible was because I stopped analyzing, I stopped dwelling, and I finally moved on. I stopped being angry. And then suddenly it just fell right back into my life. Perhaps it will never be the same, but at least the good feelings are thriving, versus the angry ones.
And then there are those others which I have decided to stay away from. When it becomes too hard, when I feel like I’m trying too hard to connect intentions with actions, I find that I just have to let go. Sometimes letting go of something means letting go of a person. I suppose 2008 will bring many more emotional changes and lessons in my life. I suppose there is still more to learn. 2007 was a great year. So many people showed me what love means, so many people showed me they care. I can’t help but compare these actions and these kind gestures to those who say they love me but rarely give me the time of day. And when I do these comparisons, I think, “Why am I spending all this time dwelling on who DIDN’T do something, versus spending more time on those who DID do something?” And so, the decision was pretty clear: spend more time and energy on/with those who can share my life, and less with those who don’t want to or can’t for whatever reason.
So I suppose the only resolution I have for 2008, which I will make official, is to appreciate those who show me love on a regular basis. Tell people I appreciate them more, and mean it. Be there for people, because they have been there for me — through all the great times as well as the bad times. Say goodbye to old ghosts, and learn to live with new spirits. I visualize an awesome year with lots and lots of love and genuine happiness in my life, in my family’s life, and especially in Baby Bean’s life.
January 1, 2008 at 4:04 pm · Filed under daily, heart
We’re in Chicago right now, on layover until our next flight to Vancouver. The weekend with the family went very, very well. Much better than I thought. To learn the details, just read my LJ if you’re on my list. 
I’m actually quite happy about how it turned out. It was like taking a mini-vacation to Vietnam or something — so many of my relatives from Vietnam were there (my family has made their home into a revolving-door hotel and sponsoring relatives from Vietnam during the last 3 years or so). I got to see some cousins I haven’t seen in 10 years, and everyone was so welcoming and happy and jovial. Dave got along well with everyone. My mom was at her most relaxed and calm (which was so awesome), and everyone absolutely loved Dave. We did the second wedding ceremony (the traditional Vietnamese tea ceremony and stuff) on the 30th, and that went very well too.
We’re happy to be going home, though. We miss Tink and we miss our quiet surroundings, but I am definitely going to be visiting the family more in NC because I forgot what it was like to be around all these beautiful, wonderful aunts, uncles, and cousins, who are all so happy and helpful and loving. I think that’s what made my mother relax more — to have her family near her from Vietnam. It’s made it so that she doesn’t have to shoulder the burden by herself.
Baby Bean is doing well. I only vomited once (right before the Vietnamese ceremony actually, because my outfit was too tight and the head dress was too heavy). The food was abundant and ohhh soooo gooooooood. Yum.
New Year’s Eve was spent with the siblings and the cousins. We took the whole night away from the adults and rang in the new year with each other. It was very awesome. Happy new year, everyone!! May 2008 be even more beautiful than 2007 was.
December 26, 2007 at 6:47 pm · Filed under heart, thoughts
I think I have some of the best family in the world — my adopted family. I feel so close to Dave’s family, I’m so blessed to have them in my life. They are my karma family. I must have done something good somewhere along the line to deserve such good family. They weren’t around when I was growing up, but damn do they make my adulthood that much more enjoyable. I can only imagine what could’ve been if I had a family like this when I was growing up. It gets me all teary eyed.
For example, I have a sister-in-law whose name shall be unnamed for now. She is one of Dave’s brother’s wife, so she and I are pretty far removed as far as blood relations go. However, I just can’t get over what a wonderful mother she is, and what a supportive, wonderful sister she has become to me. Not only did she bend over backwards to help us with our wedding — all volunteer work, mind you — she has now taken me under her wing as soon as she heard I was pregnant. She seems almost as excited as we are. It’s such a joy. And the best part is, she is also trying for another child, and we were going to be pregnant at the same time. Their efforts aren’t as successful this time around as ours is, but that hasn’t stopped her from just embracing my pregnancy as if it’s her own. She checks in with me all the time, she takes me shopping, she gives me tips and advice, she wants to know every step of the way how I’m doing and how I’m feeling. I’m so grateful. I really enjoy her company, and I really am appreciative that she can put aside her own troubles to be by my side, supportive and lovely. I really admire people like that, who don’t let their own troubles get in the way of being happy for other people. She told me from the get-go, when she found out I was pregnant, “Well, I’m entirely jealous, but I’m SO HAPPY for you!!!” And I knew she meant it. I’m so so so appreciative of that. I can only imagine how hard it is for her to try for the last 7 months to get pregnant with no avail, but it hasn’t stopped her from being all girly and giggly with me at the same time. It really makes me feel that much closer to her.
Pregnancy is such a weird thing. Ever since I got pregnant, I can tell who is genuinely happy for me, and who doesn’t really want anything to do with me. I don’t know what stops other people from being genuinely happy for others’ good fortunes and good news, but I can’t imagine being in their shoes. I am left in such an awkward position sometimes, knowing some of my friends and family are trying to get pregnant and can’t for whatever reason, and knowing that they want to be happy for me. For some of them, being empathetic and genuinely happy for me comes naturally, while for others — I don’t know, I feel like I’ve lost some good people in my life ever since I’ve become pregnant. I feel like I’m being pushed away for something that is not my fault. In fact, I shouldn’t have to feel bad about such a beautiful tiding as having a child, but I feel like I have to walk on eggshells with some women. I just don’t get it.
It leaves me in a weird position, because I don’t know what to do about this. I don’t want to rub salt on the wound, so to speak, but I seriously want to share this joy with as many people I love as I can. It leaves me stifled, as if I’m not allowed to share this joy, or that I have to downplay it. And worse yet, it makes me feel like they don’t want me around to talk about it. I can understand. I’ve lived with the fear of not being able to have children ever since I was a teenager, and Dave and I actually had a lot of long talks about our “options” if that were ever to be the case with us. I told him that I would never want to be one of those women who can’t stand looking at pregnant women just because of my own sorrow at not being able to have children. I told him I wouldn’t want to isolate myself against my friends who are having children, because I’m jealous or sad or whatever. I told him that I want to genuinely be happy for those around me who become pregnant, ESPECIALLY people who I know would be good parents to begin with.
And then, suddenly, I find myself on the other side of that fear coin: I’m not the one who is jealous of other women getting pregnant; suddenly I’m the pregnant woman other women are avoiding because they can’t get pregnant. Geez. I never thought that would be the day.
I don’t know. Pregnancy strikes people very funny. So far, the majority of those I know and love and who know me have been ecstatic for me, asking me every chance they get how I’m doing, getting excited with me, making plans with me. Some of my friends in California have even speculated visiting me when the baby comes, sharing in the first few days of Baby Bean’s existence with us and the family. I am so grateful for those people. I just wish I didn’t lose those one or two friends along the way because I would love to include them more in this beautiful occasion.
Am I being too unreasonable? Do I seem like I want to rub salt on their wound by wanting to include them in what is important in my life? Do I appear selfish because I want to be there for them to talk to when they are feeling down about not being able to have children? My sister-in-law and I share in a lot of things. When we’re not talking about my pregnancy, we’re talking about her efforts, her many doctor’s appointments, her medications and what she’s doing, etc. I feel so much closer to her, that there isn’t this big WALL in between us. I feel like every time I see her, I don’t have to hide the fact that I’m pregnant. I know that when I look into her eyes, she is so genuinely happy for us. Why can’t all women be like this? Why can’t we all be genuinely happy for each other, despite what we’re each going through individually? The world’s too small and too cold to isolate ourselves from each other.
Anyway, that’s my little tidbit for the day. I gotta go chase a crazy, hyper cat now.
December 16, 2007 at 2:34 pm · Filed under daily, heart
Tell me this isn’t just my pregnancy hormones, people. I read this lovely little ditty on Craig’s List: called “An Angel in the Post Office” and I started bursting into sobs two sentences in. And I read it to Dave and I couldn’t stop crying throughout the whole post. I’m STILL crying. It’s one of my favorite posts ever. But tell me it’s not just me that’s really emotionally affected by this post, yeah? I know I’m already crying at sappy commercials and when people say nice things to each other that are unexpected, and I chalk those up to pregnancy hormones, but this particular post CAN’T just be because of my hormones, right? Read it and tell me what you think.
And have a tissue box nearby, just in case.
December 14, 2007 at 7:00 pm · Filed under heart, thoughts
So I’m starting to gain a bit of weight. Hehe. About a pound a week. That’s a lot for me. I finally hit the 100 pound mark about two weeks ago. Heheh. My tum-tum is starting to show too. I heard Baby Bean’s heartbeat today, and I gotta tell ya — it’s the MOST AMAZING THING EVER, YO!! I am so totally ecstatic and excited and happy about all of my bodily changes — the weight gain, the little tummy bump, the thicker hair, and yes, even all of the other icky stuff like the odd break-outs (wtf, I haven’t gotten pimples there since I was 15!) and the occasional nausea now and dizziness. My motto is, “Whatever has to happen to me for Baby Bean’s health and safety, GO FOR IT.” I don’t care. Give me all ya got, universe. Everything that happens to me because of Baby Bean is beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. I am just reveling in this awesome experience. This is such a miracle.
I often wonder about people who go to so many odd means to find their “perfect” body, from weird temporary diets to even taking bodybuilding supplements, but hey, whatever floats their boat. I’m not one to judge (at least, not anymore). Whatever they want, I’m fine with. I am just so happy that the human body is so elastic and flexible. Our body is so amazing, isn’t it?
December 10, 2007 at 12:53 pm · Filed under daily, heart
So I’m starting to feel better about the first trimester. I’m 9 weeks and a couple of days along now, which means only about 3 more weeks to go before I hit the second trimester and we’re in the safe zone, more or less. Baby Bean is still making me nauseous, but not as often — more at night than in the daytime now, which I definitely prefer (since I can veg out at night and just go to sleep early). My aversion to food is starting to slide just a bit, that I’ve noticed. Yesterday, I had my first good-tasting meal in about a month and a half, as far as I can remember. The food actually tasted okay, and not like plastic. I haven’t had any cravings yet, but today I had cravings for mangoes. Luckily, I had gone out to get mangoes yesterday, so I had rice and mangoes for breakfast. Yum.
We’re talking a lot to Baby Bean. Not sure if Bean can hear us at this point, but I’m guessing the vibrations of the noise are still making their way to my uterus. Heh. Conversations are as follows:
Dave: Baby Bean, this is Daddy speaking. You get to hear Mommy a lot, but you hardly hear Daddy yet, so here I am.
Helen: Yup, that’s Daddy.
Dave: Baby Bean, just remember: Daddy is always right. Always check with Daddy first. Mommy doesn’t know what she’s talking about.
Helen: Bean, sweetie, remember that Daddy bullshits a lot too.
Dave: NOoOOooo, Daddy is ALWAYS right, Bean. ALWAYS!! And Daddy loves you.
Helen: *whispers to Bean* Baby Bean, we’ll talk about this later when Daddy’s not around. I’ll set you straight.
Yeah, we’re silly. We’re gonna be funny parents.
December 3, 2007 at 11:06 pm · Filed under heart
In case you didn’t check yet, I posted Baby Bean’s first photo op over at blathersnort.com. We had an ultrasound done today — our very, very first, and we got to see Baby Bean. I’m 8 weeks and 2 days along. So exciting. The due date is July 12, 2008. It’s odd having something so important and so grand to focus on. Makes everything else feels a little.. cheap. Work, food, even ordinary life itself seem to all glow now. When once I worry and think about silly things like what fine lingerie or pretty underwear or new shirt to buy on payday to alleviate some work stress away, now I wonder what Baby Bean is going to look like, which genes were chosen, if I’m going to make my due date or would I be early or late. I wonder what kinds of lessons I would teach this little beauty of ours, and I wonder which school would make the best impact on Bean’s education. I wonder about so many things, and they get me scared and excited at the same time.
In the grand scheme of things, bringing a child into the world surpasses all thoughts, all worries, all obsessions. How lovely this Bean makes me feel. How important Bean is to me.
November 16, 2007 at 9:12 pm · Filed under daily, heart
Ah these last couple of days, I’ve really hit the hormonal rage. Today I got my blood test results back from the Dr. M, and she confirmed that I’m pregnant (duh.. hehe). I’m at least 5 weeks along, but she’s guessing it’s not very accurate, so we’re going to have an ultrasound done on December 3, 2007, in B’ham. Dave will come with me, and hopefully we can see our big our baby is. I’m still pretty early on, so we’ll see if anything can be seen.
In the meantime, I’m still sick. Doc prescribed me some Amoxicillin, and so far they’ve been workin’ well. I feel a lot better. The first trimester is proving to be quite painful. I’m very headache, dizzy, queasy all the time it seems. I’m not throwing up yet, but it seems like I’m constantly feeling like I need to, only to be dry heaving instead. Chinese food just smells absolutely horrid to me (imagine that!!). I wake up and I feel sooo queasy.
Today, I also realized that I can’t seem to be the passenger in a car very well. I get very queasy. I hope I don’t end up having morning sickness, but at this rate, I wouldn’t be surprised. The pregnancy hormones are just sky-rocketing inside me. Baby Bean is growing fast. S/He’s between 5 weeks and 9 weeks. We’ll know for sure soon, anyway.
Tomorrow morning we leave for our one-week honeymoon to Mexico. It will be fantastic. I’m looking forward to the time off.
Got some other great news, but I will save that for later. Seems like everything is falling together perfectly. Life is sweet. I feel like I’ve worked a whole lifetime to earn what we have, and we totally deserve it. Happiness is wonderful.
November 13, 2007 at 11:41 pm · Filed under daily, heart
Wow. So I’ve seriously neglected this site. And all my other sites. These early signs of pregnancy are exhausting. We’re getting ready to go away for our honeymoon for a whole week, and I hope I can last through it. In fact, I’m counting on having some fun too! Right now, I’m down with a cold — coughing up phlegm, sore throat, sniffy nose — and I’m trying my best to naturally get over it without having to use any type of cold medicine, even pregnancy-safe ones. However, if I don’t get over this quickly, I’m going to have to resort to medicine. This isn’t comfortable at all, and considering this is our first pregnancy, I’m really just wanting to be as safe as possible for Baby Bean. Safe, and healthy.
I can’t wait until I start to show. It’s really a very amazing process. Bean has a heart now. An actual beating heart inside my uterus! It’s so amazing. The whole idea of it just boggles my mind. Intellectually, I grasp it, but emotionally and mentally, I now understand the concept of “miracle of birth.” What a beautiful, beautiful thing. I talk to Bean all day long, too. We have one-sided conversations. I tell Bean to grow, grow, grow.
And now I’m all tired out just by writing this post.
On a side note, I’ve also been thinking of getting myself a watch. I haven’t worn it in the past because I’ve always depended on my cell phone, but since the power has been going out so much due to high winds and rain, I’m actually thinking of wearing a wrist watch again (perhaps something like this Vacheron Constantin watch?). I think I need one especially for our honeymoon. Otherwise I’d be lost since I’m not bringing my cell phone. Heh.
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